Monty Python's Life of Brian



--[Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride three men (wm1, wm2, and (you guessed it) WM3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an oldish woman (MC - abbreviated from Mrs. Cohen) beside a manger containing a new-born child (Brian). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The men approach, still unnoticed until they are quite close to MC where they stop.]
--[WM1 - gold covers face. WM2 - white beard. WM3 - Short black beard] 

WISE MAN 1
Ahem

MRS. COHEN
Waaah!
--[MC falls off her seat in surprise]
Who are you?

WISE MAN 1
We are 3 wise men

MRS. COHEN
What?

WISE MAN 2
We are 3 wise men

MRS. COHEN
Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me.

WISE MAN 3
We are astrologers. 

WISE MAN 1
We have come from the east.

WISE MAN 2
Is this some kind of joke?

WISE MAN 1
We wish to praise the infant.

WISE MEN
We must pay homage to him.

MRS. COHEN
Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out.
--[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all the same.] 

WISE MAN 1
No, no, we must see him.

MRS. COHEN
Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on.

WISE MAN 1
We, we were led by a star.

MRS. COHEN
Lead by a bottle more like, go on out.

WISE MAN 1
But we must see him, we have brought presents.

MRS. COHEN
Out.

WISE MAN 1
Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

--[MC of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well, wouldn't you?]
MRS. COHEN
Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?

WISE MAN 1
It is a valuable balm.

MRS. COHEN
A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.

WISE MAN 1
What?

MRS. COHEN
That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.

WISE MAN 1
No it isn't.

MRS. COHEN
Yes it is, it's great big 

--[MC drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big ]
WISE MAN 3
No, no, no, it is an ointment

MRS. COHEN
Aw. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then?

WISE MAN 2
Hmm?

MRS. COHEN
What star sign is he?

WISE MAN 2
Uh. Capricorn.

MRS. COHEN
Uh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

WISE MAN 2
He is the son of God, our messiah. 

WISE MAN 1
King of the Jews

MRS. COHEN
So that's Capricorn, is it?

WISE MAN 2
No, no, no, that's just him.

MRS. COHEN
Aw. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

WISE MAN 1
By what name are you calling him?

MRS. COHEN
Uh. Brian.

WISE MEN
We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.

MRS. COHEN
You do a lot of this then?

WISE MAN 2
What?

MRS. COHEN
This praising.

WISE MAN 2
No no, no no.

MRS. COHEN
Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanks a lot for the gold, and frankincense, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't they nice, hmm. Out of their bloody minds, still... 
--[The wise men venture outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They then return to MC, and proceed to take back their presents, as she talks to Brian. WM3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift] Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here! Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aw.
--[To the sound of angelic music, we see the wise men outside where they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright    light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to MC in the shed with her son.]
BRIAN
Waaah.

MRS. COHEN
Shaddup

--[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening credits which I'm not even going to attempt to describe]

Brian. The babe they call Brian
He grew. Grew grew and grew,
Grew up to be, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was suddenly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they call Brian
This man called Brian!

--[We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure is standing on a mount oraculating]

 Captions:    JUDEA  A.D.33     SATURDAY AFTERNOON     ABOUT TEA TIME
JESUS
How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail; They shall be satisfied...
--[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here we can see MC and Brian now 33 years old {she hasn't aged a bit, lucky her}]
MRS. COHEN
Speak up! 

BRIAN
Ssssh. Quiet mum.

MRS. COHEN
Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning.

--[We can now see a few group of people around the area... a man (Bignose), and his wife (Bn Wife); A Jew, and his wife; and a man I'm going to call 'Trouble' for reasons which shall soon become clear.]
BIGNOSE
Ssssh.

BRIAN
You can go to the stoning any time.

MRS. COHEN
Oh come on Brian.

BIGNOSE
Will you be quiet!

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
Don't pick yer nose.

BIGNOSE
I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.

BIGNOSE
I wasn't.

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

TROUBLE
Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

TROUBLE
Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody thing.

BIGNOSE
Don't you swear at my wife.

TROUBLE
I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, Bignose.

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
Don't you call my husband Bignose.

TROUBLE
Well he has got a big nose.

JEW
Could you be quite, please. [To trouble:] What was that?

TROUBLE
I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.

MAN
I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.

JEW'S WIFE
Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?

JEW
Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

TROUBLE
See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.

BIGNOSE
Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.

TROUBLE
Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the bignoses.

BRIAN
Oh lay off him.

TROUBLE
Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from?  Nose city?

BIGNOSE
One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
Language... and don't pick your nose.     

BIGNOSE
I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.

MAN 2
Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

JEW
The Greek?

MAN 2
Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

JEW
Did anyone catch his name?

BIGNOSE'S WIFE
You're not going to thump anybody.

BIGNOSE
I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.

TROUBLE
Oh shut up Bignose.

BIGNOSE
Ah. All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...

--[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the real story.]
BIGNOSE'S WIFE
Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice isn't it. I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.

TROUBLE
Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.

BIGNOSE
Hey. Your nose is gonna be three ft wide across your face by the time I've finished with you.

MAN
Ssssh.

TROUBLE
Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?

BIGNOSE
Oh. Right. That's your last warning

JEW'S WIFE
Oh Do pipe down. [She abruptly gets hit in the face by Bignose!!] OH! 
--[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the area]
MRS. COHEN
Oh come on...let's go to the stoning.

BRIAN
All right.

--[Brian notices a group of people in black walking by him, including a rather attractive (to Brian) woman.]
FRANCIS
Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG
Yeah, well what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem.

JUDITH
Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes I see.

MRS. COHEN
Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

BRIAN
All right.

TROUBLE
Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. They shouldn't have been here. <...> going on. it's the chap with the big nose's fault... he started it all.


--[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper (Shopkep) selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.]
MRS. COHEN
Oh I hate wearing these beards.

BRIAN
Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum?

MRS. COHEN
It's written. That's why.

SHOPKEEPER
Pssst. Beard madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards]

WOMAN
Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well again.

DONKEY
Hee haw, hee haw.

SHOPKEEPER
Stone, sir?

MRS. COHEN
Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground.

SHOPKEEPER
Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship sir.

MRS. COHEN
Hmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one.

BRIAN
Can I have a flat one mum?

MRS. COHEN
Ssssh. 

BRIAN
Sorry, dad.

MRS. COHEN
Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.

SHOPKEEPER
Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.

MRS. COHEN
Yeah? 

SHOPKEEPER
Local boy.

MRS. COHEN
Oh. Good.

SHOPKEEPER
Enjoy yourselves.


--[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large number of people stoning some unfortunate. MC hurries Brian along to get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the crowd to settle down.]
ELDER
Mathias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath. 

MATHIAS
[to a guard] Do I say yes?

GUARD
Yes.

MATHIAS
[To the elder] Yes.

ELDER
You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER...

CROWD
Ooooh.

ELDER
...you are to be stoned to death.

--[The crowd looks anxious to kill Mathias]
MATHIAS
Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah'.

CROWD
Oooooooh!

ELDER
BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again

CROWD
Yes, yes. 

ELDER
Did you hear him?

CROWD
Yes, yes. 

WOMAN1
Really.

--[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the woman's voice.]
ELDER
Are there any women here today?

CROWD
[Guiltily] 

ELDER
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

--[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits MATHIAS on the head.]
MATHIAS
Oh lay off... we haven't started yet.

ELDER
Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.

CROWD
She did, she did, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did. [Their voices drop as they realize their mistake.]

WOMAN1
Sorry, I thought we'd started. {Said lovelyly.}

ELDER
Go to the back. There's always one, isn't there. Now where were we?

MATHIAS
Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying Jehovah.

CROWD
[Shocked] He said it again!

Edler
You're only making it worse for yourself.

MATHIAS
Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.

CROWD
Oooooooh!

ELDER
I'm warning you... If you say Jehovah once more... [A stone flys by and hits the elder.] Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD
She did she did, he, him, him, him, him, him, him.

ELDER
Was it you?

WOMAN2
Yes.

ELDER
Right...

WOMAN2
Well you did say Jehovah. [She gets stoned {the blasphemer}]

ELDER
Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah.

--[The shocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping of a huge bolder on his fallen body.]
WOMAN3
Good shot.

--[One of the two Roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head. They do nothing.]          

--[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and MC walk home]
BRIAN
Have I got a big nose, Mum?

MRS. COHEN
Oh stop thinking about sex.

BRIAN
I wasn't.

MRS. COHEN
You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?


--[A number of beggars sit by the side of the road begging. All seem sick apart from the one at the end. (The X-leper). They are pleading for money from a man riding a donkey.]]
BEGGAR 1
Spare a sheckle...

BEGGAR 2
God bless you, sir.

LEPER1
Alms for a leper.

LEPER2
Alms for a leper.

EX-LEPER
Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same aren't they. Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.

--[Brian and his mum walk along the street.] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MRS. COHEN
Buzz off.

EX-LEPER
[Still following] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

MRS. COHEN
A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.

EX-LEPER
Half a talent then.

MRS. COHEN
Now go away.

EX-LEPER
Come on, bignose. Let's haggle.

BRIAN
What?

EX-LEPER
All right. Cut the haggling . Say you open at one sheckle, I start at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred.

BRIAN
No.

EX-LEPER
Seventeen-fifty? 

MRS. COHEN
Go away.

EX-LEPER
Seventeen-fourty.

MRS. COHEN
Look. Will you leave him alone.

EX-LEPER
All right... two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

MRS. COHEN
Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off.

EX-LEPER
All right, sir. My final offer: Half a sheckle for an old ex-leper.

BRIAN
Did you say EX-leper?

EX-LEPER
That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.

BRIAN
Well what happened?

EX-LEPER
Oh, cured sir.

BRIAN
Cured?

EX-LEPER
Yes, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you.

BRIAN
Well who cured you?

EX-LEPER
Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood gone, not so much as a buy your leave... You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder.

BRIAN
Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again.
EX-LEPER
Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, excuse my french sir, but...

MRS. COHEN
Brian. Come and clean your room out.

BRIAN
There you are.

EX-LEPER
Thank you, sir, thank... Half a dinari for me bloody life story?

BRIAN
There's no pleasing some people.

EX-LEPER
That's just what Jesus said, sir. 

--[The ex-leper hops off, back to the road]


--[Brian and MC enter their home to find a Roman officer sitting down inside]
MRS. COHEN
Oh.

OFFICER
Good afternoon.

MRS. COHEN
Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all right dear?

BRIAN
What's he doing here?

MRS. COHEN
Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.

BRIAN
Bloody Romans.

MRS. COHEN
Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and  don't you forget it.

BRIAN
We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.

MRS. COHEN
Ahw. That's not entirely true, is it Brian?

BRIAN
What do you mean?

MRS. COHEN
Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh...

BRIAN
My nose?

MRS. COHEN
Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.

BRIAN
What is it?

MRS. COHEN
Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

BRIAN
I never thought he was...

MRS. COHEN
Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurian in the Roman army.

BRIAN
You mean... you were raped?

MRS. COHEN
Aw, at first, yes.

BRIAN
Who was he?

MRS. COHEN
Naughtius Maximus his name was. Mmm. Promised me the known world he  did. I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the forum. Slaves, asses milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me, and VOOM. Like a rat out of an aqueduct.

BRIAN
The bastard.

MRS. COHEN
Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody Romans, don't forget you're one of them.

BRIAN
[In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.] I'm not a Roman, mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher, mum. I'm a red sea pedestrian, and proud of it.

MRS. COHEN
Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are you then, officer? 
--[She then kneels down as the officer stands.]
--{Hmm. I wonder how she earns her living...}


 Caption:    THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM     CHILDREN'S MATINEE
VOICE
Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Big Goliath - The Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Miser.

--[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the finger of a body, and since she can't take is off, she slips the arm into her robes.]

BRIAN
[Roving the stands, holding a tray of goodies{?!?}] Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes. Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats.

--[Elsewhere on the stands, sit the terrorist organization the PFJ. On a higher step sits (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below them sits Judith.]

JUDITH
I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base.

REG
Agreed. Francis?

FRANCIS
Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man...

STAN
Or woman.

FRANCIS
...or woman. To rid himself...

STAN
Or herself.

FRANCIS
...or herself.

REG
Agreed.

FRANCIS
Thank you brother.

STAN
Or sister.

FRANCIS
...or sister. Where was I?

REG
I think you'd finished.

FRANCIS
Oh, right.

REG
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...

STAN
Or woman.

REG
Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.

STAN
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

FRANCIS
Why are you always on about women, Stan?

STAN
I want to be one.

REG
What?

STAN
I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me Loretta.

--[Unlike the cruel-hearted others, I'm going to comply with his request.]

REG
What???

LORETTA
It's my right as a man.

JUDITH
Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

LORETTA
I want to have babies.

REG
You want to have babies?

LORETTA
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

REG
But you can't have babies.

LORETTA
Don't you oppress me.

REG
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

--[Loretta starts crying.]
JUDITH
Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the Roman's, but that he can have the right to have babies.
--[This seems to satisfy him.]
FRANCIS
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.

REG
What's the point?

FRANCIS
What?

REG
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?

FRANCIS
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

REG
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.  
   
--[In the arena, Boris is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately crawls back.]
GUARD
Get out there. Get out there.

BORIS
It's um... It's dangerous out there. Ahahh. Oh.

--[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is carrying a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away from his opponent, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by an armored arm. The crowd are disgusted by such a poor show.]
CROWD
Aaah. Oh no. 

VIEWER
What a load of rubbish.

BRIAN
[He approaches the PFJ with his tray of food.] Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Occelot spleens.

REG
You got any nuts?

BRIAN
Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's spleens.

REG
No, no, no.

BRIAN
Otter's noses?

REG
I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.

JUDITH
Why don't you sell proper food?

BRIAN
Proper food?

REG
Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tit bits.

BRIAN
Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

REG
All right. Bag of otter's noses then.

FRANCIS
Make it two.

REG
Two.
--[Brian hands them two bags.]
FRANCIS
Thanks, Reg.

BRIAN
Are you the Judean People's Front?

REG
Fuck off.

BRIAN
What?

REG
Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea. Judean People's front, caw.

FRANCIS
Wankers.

BRIAN
Can I join your group?

REG
No. Piss off.

BRIAN
I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

PFJ
Ssssh. Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh

JUDITH
Are you sure?

BRIAN
Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already.

REG
Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans.

BRIAN
I do.

REG
Oh yeah? How much?

BRIAN
A lot!

REG
Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.

PFJ
Yeah

JUDITH
Splitters.

FRANCIS
And the Judean Popular Peoples Front.

PFJ
Oh yeah. Splitters.

LORETTA
And the People's Front of Judea.

PFJ
Splitters.

REG
What?

LORETTA
The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.

REG
We're the People's Front of Judea.

LORETTA
Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

REG
People's Front.

FRANCIS
Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

REG
He's over there.
--[A single old man sits on a lower seat.]
--{Some POPULAR front, eh?}
PFJ
[To the old man.]  SPLITTER!

GOLIATH
  Oh. Oh. Oh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.
--[He falls dead.]
ROMAN
Absolutely dreadful. Humph.

--[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what he thinks of them.]
CROWD
Yay. 

REG
Brother. Haha. What's your name?

BRIAN
Brian. Brian Cohen.

REG
We may have a little job for you, Brian.  


--[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian who reads his writing.]
CENTURIAN
What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go the house?

BRIAN
It, it says 'Romans go home'.

CENTURIAN
No it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on...

BRIAN
aaah.

CENTURIAN
Come on.

BRIAN
Ah! Romanus?

CENTURIAN
Goes like?

BRIAN
Annus?

CENTURIAN
Vocative plural of 'annus' is?

BRIAN
Anni?

CENTURIAN
Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.] Eunt? What is eunt?

BRIAN
Go.

CENTURIAN
Conjugate the verb 'to go'.

BRIAN
Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

CENTURIAN
So eunt is?

BRIAN
Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.

CENTURIAN
But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?

--[The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]

BRIAN
The imperative.

CENTURIAN
Which is?

BRIAN
Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.

CENTURIAN
How many Romans?

BRIAN
Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.

CENTURIAN
Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.] Domus? Nominative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?

BRIAN
Dative, sir. 
--[The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.] Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh. The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!

CENTURIAN
Except that 'domus' takes the?

BRIAN
The locative, sir.

CENTURIAN
Which is?

BRIAN
Domum. Aaah! ah.

--[Again, the writing is amended.]
CENTURIAN
Domum... um... Understand?

BRIAN
Yes, sir.

CENTURIAN
Now write it out a hundred times.

BRIAN
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

CENTURIAN
Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

BRIAN
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. Oh. Mmm!
--[The Centurian walks off leaving two sentries behind to guard him.]


--[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian has written the slogan all over the front of the palace.]
BRIAN
Finished!

--[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points his spear threateningly at Brian, and speaks.] 

SENTRY
Right. Now don't do it again.

--[The two walk off as Brian admires his handiwork. Unfortunately,  another group of guards come along, and realize what has been written. Brian realizes, and runs. They give chase, careless of the citizens] 

MAN
Hey! Bloody Romans.

--[Just as Brian starts to despair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over  his mouth, and drags him backwards into an alcove. When he is  released he recognizes his savior through the darkness... Judith.]


--[In the PFJ's official HQ, Francis stands pointing at a plan of Pilates palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other members (Rebel1 - Rebel6), and the leaders from the Colosseum.]
FRANCIS
We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and forthwith, issue our demands. Any questions?

--{Spot the dancing caterpillars}
REBEL 1
What exactly are the demands?

REG
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

MATHIAS
Cut her head off?

FRANCIS
Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

REG
And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail.

--[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to their foreheads.]
PFJ
No Blackmail!!

REG
They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

LORETTA
And from our fathers', fathers', fathers.

REG
Yeah.

LORETTA
And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers.

REG
Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't label the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

REBEL 2
The aqueduct?

REG
What?

REBEL 2
The aqueduct.

REG
Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah.

REBEL 3
And sanitation.

LORETTA
Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.

REG
Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct, the sanitation are two things the Romans have done...

MATHIAS
And the roads.

REG
Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads...

REBEL 4
Irrigation.

REBEL 2
Medicine.

REBEL 5
Education.

REG
Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough...

REBEL 1
And the wine.

REBELS
Oh, yeah 

FRANCIS
Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left, huh.

REBEL 6
Public baths.

LORETTA
And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now Reg.

FRANCIS
Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only ones who could in a place like this.

PFJ
Huhuhuh. Huhuhuhuhuh.

REG
All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health... What have the Romans ever done for us?

Rebel2
Brought peace?

REG
Oh, peace. Shaddup.

--[There is a knock on the door, and all member of the PFJ hide wonderfully: Under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in a shallow basket etc. Mathias sees that they have all hidden, and  ambles over to the door.]
MATHIAS
I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent.

--[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.]
JUDITH
It's all right, Mathias.

MATHIAS
It's all clear.
--[The two walk in, as the others emerge.]
JUDITH
Well where's Reg?

FRANCIS
Oh Reg. Reg, Judith.

REG
What went wrong?

JUDITH
The first blow has been struck.

REG
Did he finish the slogan?

JUDITH
A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace.

REG
Oh great. Great. We, we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.

REBEL
Uh.. well one.

REG
Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?

BRIAN
Yes.        
--[Again the PFJ salute, and Brian copies the movement.]
REG
From now on, you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.
FRANCIS
Right. This is the plan...
  
--[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis dictates the plan.]
FRANCIS
Now this is the palace in Caeser's square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg: our glorious leader, and founder of the PFJ will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action as he has a bad back.   

--[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.]
BRIAN
Aren't you going to come with us?

REG
Solidarity, brother.

BRIAN
Oh, yes. Solidarity Reg.

FRANCIS
Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caeser Augustus memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers. This is the moment for Havacuk to get out his prop. 

CHISEL
   
--[A large hole is made in the mosaic on the floor above, from which all the PFJ emerge.]

HEARTS
   

--[As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels... the Campaign for a Free Galilee (CFG x) advance towards the other side.]
CFG 1
Ssssh.

CFG 2
Ssssh.

--[The two groups spot each other, and relax. After a few confused moments, the leader (CFGHead) declares his group in a thick welsh accent.]
CFG HEAD
Campaign for Free Galilee.

PFJ HEAD
Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials.

CFG HEAD
Oh.

PFJ HEAD
What's your group doing here?

CFG HEAD
We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

PFJ HEAD
So are we.

CFG HEAD
What?

PFJ HEAD
That's our plan.

CFG HEAD
We were here first.

PFJ HEAD
What do you mean?

CFG HEAD
We thought of it first.

PFJ MAN
Oh yeah?

CFG HEAD
Yes. A couple of years ago.

PFJ
Oh, yeahehehe.

CFG MAN
He did!

PFJ HEAD
Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out?

CFG HEAD
'Course we have.

PFJ HEAD
What are they?

CFG HEAD
Well I'm not telling you.

PFJ MEN
 yeah.

PFJ HEAD
Oh come on. Pull the other one.

CFG HEAD
That's not the point. We thought of it before you.

VARIOUS
Ssssh.

PFJ HEAD
Did not.

CFG HEAD
We did.

PFJ
You did not.

CFG
We bloody did!

VARIOUS
Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh.

CFG HEAD
You bastards, we've been planning this for months.

PFJ HEAD
Well though titty for you, fish face. AAAAWW!

--[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.]
BRIAN
Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together.

PFJ HEAD
We are!

BRIAN
We mustn't fight each other. Surely we should be united against the common enemy.

ALL
The Judean People's front!!!

BRIAN
No. No. The Romans!

ALL
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

SOMEONE
Yeah. He's right.

--[Two Roman guards approach slowly.] 
OTHER 1
Look out!

CFG HEAD
Right. Where were we?

PFJ HEAD
Uh. You were going to punch me.

CFG HEAD
Oh yeah.

--[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all members of both groups except Brian basically kill each other. They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...]
BRIAN
Brothers!!! Oof!


--[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.]
JAILER
[Throwing Brian into a cell] He he he. 

BRIAN
Aaah.

JAILER
Heh heh he. 

--[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.]
PRISONER
You lucky bastard.
 
BRIAN
Who's that?
--[As Brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.]
PRISONER
You lucky lucky bastard.

BRIAN
What?

PRISONER
Proper little jailers pet, aren't we?

BRIAN
What do you mean?

PRISONER
You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?

BRIAN
Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face.

PRISONER
Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.

BRIAN
Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! 

PRISONER
Manacles?! Ooohaaawwww. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny.

BRIAN
Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!

PRISONER
YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou...

BRIAN
All right, all right.

PRISONER
They must think you're lord God almighty.

BRIAN
What will they do to me?

PRISONER
Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.

BRIAN
Crucifixion??!!!!!

PRISONER
Yeah. First offense.

BRIAN
Get away with crucifixion? It's...

PRISONER
Best thing the Romans ever did for us.

BRIAN
WHAT?!!!

PRISONER
Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess!

BRIAN
Guard!

PRISONER
Nail 'em up, I say!

BRIAN
Guard!

PRISONER
Nail some sense into them!

--[The Jailer once again comes to the door.]
JAILER
Hu. Hu. Whaddayawant?

BRIAN
I want you to move me to another cell.

JAILER
Ha! 

BRIAN
Aaaah.

PRISONER
Oh. Look at that. Bloody favoritism.

JAILER
Shaddup, you.

PRISONER
Sorry.

JAILER
[Walking away.] Ugh.
PRISONER
Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans. And it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair days work for a fair day's...

BRIAN
Oh, shut up!!!

JAILER
Uuuuh.

CENTURIAN
Pilate wants to see you.

BRIAN
Me? 

CENTURIAN
Come on!

BRIAN
Pilate? What does he want to see me for?

CENTURIAN
I think he wants to know which night you want to be crucified.

PRISONER
Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha, ha ha. Nice one centurian, like it, like it.

CENTURIAN
Shut up.

PRISONER
Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. 


--[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer stands talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and in walks the Centurian, with Brian surrounded by two guards (guard3, and guard4). Guards1 and 2 stand around the room, along with various others.]

DESIGNER
  with one large feeding area here.

CENTURIAN
Hail Caesar.

PILATE
Hail.

CENTURIAN
Only one survivor, Sir.

PILATE
Ah. Thwow him to the floor.

CENTURIAN
What Sir?

PILATE
Thwow him to the floor.

CENTURIAN
Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown to the floor.]

BRIAN
Aaah.

PILATE
Huh. Now, what is your name, Jew?

BRIAN
Brian, sir.

PILATE
Bwian, eh?

BRIAN
No, no. Brian. [The centurian whaps him across the head.] Aaah.

PILATE
Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit.

CENTURIAN
Has what, sir?

PILATE
Spiwit.

CENTURIAN
Yes, he did, sir.

PILATE
No, no, spiwit, uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.

CENTURIAN
Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir.

PILATE
So. You dare to waid us.

BRIAN
To what sir?

PILATE
Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
--[The Centurian stwikes him vewwy woughly.]
BRIAN
Waah!

CENTURIAN
Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir?

PILATE
What?

CENTURIAN
Thwow him to the floor again, Sir?

PILATE
Oh, yes.  Thwow him to the floor please.
--[I won't even bother saying it...]
BRIAN
Aaah!

PILATE
Now, Jewith wapscallion.

BRIAN
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!

PILATE
A Wowman?

BRIAN
No, no, Roman. [] Aaah!

PILATE
So, your father was a Wowman. Who was he?

BRIAN
He was a centurian in the Jerusalem Garrison sir.

PILATE
Weally?  What was his name?

BRIAN
Naughtius Maximus.

CENTURIAN
Wohahahaha!

PILATE
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

CENTURIAN
Well no, sir.

PILATE
Well you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?

CENTURIAN
Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus sir.

GUARD 1


PILATE
What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

CENTURIAN
Well it's a joke name, sir.

PILATE
I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.

GUARD 1


PILATE
Silence!  What is all this insolence?  You will find yourself in gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behavior like that.

BRIAN
Can I go now sir? [] Aaaagh!

PILATE
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!

GUARD 1


PILATE
Wight! Take him away.

CENTURIAN
Oh sir, he uh....

PILATE
No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.

CENTURIAN
Yes, sir. Come on you.

GUARD 1
Hahaha. Hoohoohoo.

PILATE
I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.  Anybody else feel like a little giggul. When I mention my fwend Biggus ...Dickus.

GUARD 2
Huhuhu.
--[He walks up to guard2, and speaks exadurately to his face.]

PILATE
What about you? Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus

GUARD 2
Parp.

PILATE
... Dickus?

GUARD 3


--[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).]

PILATE
He has a wife you know. You know what she's called? She's called Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
--[The Guards just crack up laughing.]
Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourself Pwaetonian guards? You're not...
--[Bwian, sorry, Brian, seizes his chance, and scarpers.] 
Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!


--[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A Builder sits at he top of it slowly hammering away in the sun. He drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.] {BTW, I'm positive that this is the person mention by the prophet  later (as in: In this time, a friend shall lose his friend's  hammer...)}

BUILDER
Hmm? Oh.  .  [He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction]
Sorry.

--[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it stops, so he doesn't.]

BRIAN
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

--[It just happens { *:) } that a spaceship just happens to be passing by at that time {Doesn't it always?}, and Brian just happens to fall into the cockpit behind two aliens. {For all you Pratchett readers, it must have been a million-to-one chance!}]

ALIEN 1
Azzz.

ALIEN 2
Rozak chabba.

--[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit.]  ship starts shooting at them. Very nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.]   

SIREN
Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah.

ALIEN 1
Aaaagh. Ghrote.

--[A large circular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at them. Tray nice sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall. They crash at the base of the unfinished tower and Brian walks away unscathed. Well, wouldn't you?]

WITNESS
Oh, you lucky bastard.


--[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian. He runs. He come to a place where there are a number of prophets standing on pedestals, shouting their visions. First a (Dirty) prophet, covered in dried mud, wearing a loincloth.]

DIRTY
And the Bizan shall be huge, and black, and the eyes thereof RED with the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a gray headed serpent, and throughout the lands there shall be a great rubbing of parts. Yeah.

--{Don't you just love the pelvic thrusts?} [Next comes a prophet with a thick Northern Irish accent (a la Ian  Paisley), wearing robes, and holding a staff.]

N.IRISH
And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two, or five, or seven but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on the head;

--[Finally, we come to a prophet I have seen called the 'Boring' profit, but he seems much less vague than the rest of them, and taking into account his knowledge of the lost hammer, I'm calling him the Accurate profit (Acurate).]

ACURATE
... Bediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friends hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O'clock.
--[As Brian walks through the crowd, an(other) profit speaks.]
OTHER
Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time...


--[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of disguising himself. He spots a Beard selling stand, and heads for it There, he meet a Merchant, and picks up a fake beard.]
BRIAN
How much?  Quick!

MERCHANT
What?

BRIAN
It's for the wife.

MERCHANT
Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels.

BRIAN
Right.

MERCHANT
What?

BRIAN
There you are.

MERCHANT
Wait a minute.

BRIAN
What?

MERCHANT
Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle.

BRIAN
No, no, I've got to get...

MERCHANT
What do you mean, no no no?

BRIAN
I haven't time, I've got ...

MERCHANT
Well give it back then.

BRIAN
No, no, no I paid you.

MERCHANT
Burt!
--[A large man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.]

BURT
Yeah?

MERCHANT
This bloke won't haggle.

BURT
Won't haggle???

BRIAN
All right... do we have to?
--[Burt disappears.]

MERCHANT
Now look. I want twenty for that.

BRIAN
I, I just gave you twenty.

MERCHANT
Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?

BRIAN
No.

MERCHANT
Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.

BRIAN
All right, I'll give you nineteen then.

MERCHANT
No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.

BRIAN
What?

MERCHANT
Haggle properly.  This isn't worth nineteen.

BRIAN
But you just said it was worth twenty.

MERCHANT
Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle.

BRIAN
All right, I'll give you ten.

MERCHANT
That's more like it. Ten!?  Are you trying to insult me?  Me?  With a poor dying grandmother...Ten!?!

BRIAN
All right, I'll give you Eleven.

MERCHANT
Now you're getting it. Eleven!?!  Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?

BRIAN
Seventeen.

MERCHANT
No, no, no, no. Seventeen!

BRIAN
Eighteen?

MERCHANT
No, no,.  You go to fourteen now.

BRIAN
All right, I'll give you fourteen.

MERCHANT
Fourteen, are you joking?

BRIAN
That's what you told me to say.

MERCHANT
Oh dear.

BRIAN
Oh Tell me what to say. Please.

MERCHANT
Offer me fourteen.

BRIAN
I'll give you fourteen.

MERCHANT
He's offering me fourteen for this!

BRIAN
Fifteen.

MERCHANT
Seventeen.  My last word.  I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.

BRIAN
Sixteen.

MERCHANT
Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. [Hands Brian the Gourd.]

BRIAN
I don't want it, but thanks.

MERCHANT
Burt!

BURT
Yeah?

BRIAN
All right, all right, all right.

MERCHANT
Where's the sixteen you owe me?

BRIAN
I just gave you twenty.

MERCHANT
Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then. 

BRIAN
No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine.

MERCHANT
No, I've got it here somewhere.

BRIAN
It's all right, that's four for the gourd.

MERCHANT
Four for this gourd? Four!!!!  Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth a shekel.

BRIAN
But you just gave it to me for nothing.

MERCHANT
Yes, but it's worth ten.

BRIAN
All right, all right.

MERCHANT
No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for that, you must be mad! [He notices Brian running.]

MERCHANT
Ah, well. . There's one born every minute.
--[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, thy are reading a list of the ex-rebels who went on the raid.]
REG
Daniel.

LORETTA
Daniel.

REBEL
Job.

REG
Job.

LORETTA
Job.

REBEL
Joshua.

REG
Joshua.

LORETTA
Joshua.

REBEL
Judges.

REG
Judges.

LORETTA
Judges.

REBEL
and Brian.

REG
and Brian.

LORETTA
Brian.

REG
I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.

LORETTA
I second that, Reg.

REG
Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a...

MATHIAS
Look out!
--[Brian walks in still wearing his beard, and uncovers the others in their hiding places.]

BRIAN
Hello? Mathias? Reg.

REG
Go away!

BRIAN
Hmm? Reg. It's me, Brian.

REG
Get off! Get off, out of it!

BRIAN
Stan.

LORETTA
Piss off.

REBEL 1
Yeah... piss off.

REBEL 2
Bugger off.
--[There is a loud knocking at the door.]
REG
Oh, shit!!!

MATHIAS
Coming.
--[ MATHIAS signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but it moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he can see the accurate prophet from two scenes ago.]

ACURATE
Yea verily at that time, it is written in the book of Isaiah that a man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey.

MATHIAS
[Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
--[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own Centurian.]
CENTURIAN
Are you Mathias?

MATHIAS
Yes.

CENTURIAN
We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organization: the People's Front of Judea.

MATHIAS
Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My legs are gray, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old, and bent.

CENTURIAN
Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house!
--[The rest of of the legion march quickly into the house.] 
You know the penalty layed down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?

MATHIAS
No.

CENTURIAN
Crucifixion.

MATHIAS
Oh.

CENTURIAN
Nasty, eh?

MATHIAS
Hm. Could be worse.

CENTURIAN
What do you mean 'could be worse'?

MATHIAS
Well, you could be stabbed.

CENTURIAN
Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, 'orrible death.

MATHIAS
Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air.

CENTURIAN
You're weird!
--[The guards march back out.]

SERGENT
No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.

CENTURIAN
But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo. [He walks away.]

MATHIAS
Big-nose.

CENTURIAN
Watch it!

MATHIAS
Phew. That was lucky.
--[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.]

BRIAN
I'm sorry, Reg.

REG
Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU KLUTZ !!! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed...
--[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.]

MATHIAS
My legs are old and bend, my ears are grizzled, yes?

CENTURIAN
There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
--[The guards march back in. Some of Mathias' rambling is obscured by the marching.]

MATHIAS
I'm just a poor old man........my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered.

CENTURIAN
Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

MATHIAS
Crucifixion's a doddle.

CENTURIAN
Don't keep saying that.
--[The guards march out again, the sergeant holding the wooden spoon used by Francis earlier.]

SERGENT
Found this spoon, sir.

CENTURIAN
Well done, sergeant. We'll be back... oddball.
--[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.] Open up!

MATHIAS
You haven't given us time to hide.

--[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival, and Brian falls on top of the accurate prophet.]

BRIAN
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

ACURATE
... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Wooooooah!
--[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian is left standing there.] 

CROWD
   
--[The crowd of five and also a Roman soldier look up expectantly at Brian. He looks around at the other prophets for inspiration.]

N.IRISH
... a nine bladed sword which he shall strike...

BLACK
... the jumbo jets which shall fly up to the...
--[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be seen as an imposter. He start speaking to his audience.]
--[Pasr-By : A man in gray who happens to be in the area.  Beggar  : An old Beggar sitting on the podium beside Brian. Hekelr1 : A Woman holding a baby. Hekelr2 : A man in a turban. Hekelr3 : A man in a turban with a beard and moustaches.]

BRIAN
Don't uh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.

PASSER-BY
What?

BRIAN
I said don't pass judgment on other people, or else You might get judged too.

PASSER-BY
Who, Me?

BRIAN
Yes.

PASSER-BY
Oh. Oh. Thank you very much.

BRIAN
Well, not just you. All of you.

BEGGAR
That's a nice gourd.

BRIAN
What?

BEGGAR
How much do you want for the gourd?

BRIAN
I don't. You can have it.

BEGGAR
Have it?

BRIAN
Yes. Consider the lilies...

BEGGAR
Don't you want to haggle?

BRIAN
No... in the fields.        

BEGGAR
What's wrong with it then?

BRIAN
Nothing. Take it.

HECKLER 1
Consider the lilies?

BRIAN
Uh, well, the birds then.

HECKLER 2
What birds?

BRIAN
Any birds.

HECKLER 2
Why?

BRIAN
Well, have they got jobs?

HECKLER 3
Who?

BRIAN
The birds.

HECKLER 2
Have the birds got jobs?!?
--[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.]

HECKLER 5
What's the matter with him?

HECKLER 3
He says the birds are scrounging.

BRIAN
Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they?

HECKLER 5
Well good luck to 'em.

HECKLER 2
Yeah. They're very pretty. 

BRIAN
O.K. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are you worrying about? There you are, See?

HECKLER 2
I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.

BRIAN
I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.

HECKLER 3
He's having a go at the flowers now!

HECKLER 2
Oh, give the flowers a chance.

BEGGAR
I'll give you one for it.

BRIAN
It's yours.

BEGGAR
Two.

BRIAN
Look, there was this man, and he had two servants...

HECKLER 3
What were they called?

BRIAN
What?

HECKLER 3
What were their names?

BRIAN
I don't know. And he gave them some talents.

HECKLER 2
You don't know?!?

BRIAN
Well it doesn't matter.

HECKLER 3
He doesn't know what they were called.

BRIAN
Oh, they were called Noims, and Adrian, now...

HECKLER 3
Oh! You said you didn't know!

BRIAN
It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants.

HECKLER 3
He's making it up as he goes along!

BRIAN
No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there three?

HECKLER 2
Oh, he's terrible!

HECKLER 3
Rsprrrrr!

BRIAN
There were three, there were two or three!

HECKLER 1
Ah, get off!          
--[Just as is gets worst, along comes the Roman legion who have by now finished searching Mathias' house.]
BRIAN
OH!!! Eh, Uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now Hear This! Blessed are they...

BEGGAR
Three.

BRIAN
who convert their neighbor's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. 

HECKLER X
Rubbish!

BRIAN
And to them only shall be given... to them only... shall. Be. Given.
--[The Romans pass.]
 
-- [From this moment on, it is decreed that all hecklers shall become  followers (folowrs) of Brian. The hecklers keeping their numbers.]


FOLLOWER 1
What?

BRIAN
Hmm?

FOLLOWER 1
Shall be given what?

BRIAN
Oh, Nothing.

FOLLOWER 1
What were you going to say?

BRIAN
Nothing.

FOLLOWERS
Yes you were.

FOLLOWER 1
Yes, you were going to say something.

BRIAN
No I wasn't. I'd finished.

FOLLOWER 1
Oh no you weren't.

FOLLOWER 3
Oh, tell us before you go.

BRIAN
I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.

FOLLOWER 1
No you hadn't.

BLIND MAN
What won't he tell?

FOLLOWER 2
He won't say.

BLIND MAN
Is it a secret?

BRIAN
No.

BLIND MAN
Is it?

FOLLOWER 2
Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.

FOLLOWER 3
Oh, tell us the secret.

BRIAN
Leave me alone.

FOLLOWER 2
What is the secret?  
--[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.]

FOLLOWER 4
Is it the secret of eternal life?

FOLLOWER 2
He won't say!

FOLLOWER 3
Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

BRIAN
Leave me alone.

FOLLOWER 4
Just tell me, please!

FOLLOWER 3
No, tell us, master. We were here first.

FOLLOWER 4
Tell us. Tell us, master.

BEGGAR
Five.

BRIAN
Oh, go away.

BEGGAR
I can't go above five.

FOLLOWER 4
Is that His gourd?

BEGGAR
Yes, but it's under offer.

FOLLOWER 4
This is His gourd!

BEGGAR
Ten!

FOLLOWER 4
It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master?

FOLLOWER 2
He's gone! He's been taken up!

FOLLOWER 4


FOLLOWERS
He's been taken up!!!

BEGGAR
Eighteen!

FOLLOWER 3
No. There he is. Over there.

FOLLOWER
Oh, yeah.

--[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes (or is it a sandal?) falls off. His followers stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.]

FOLLOWER 3
He has given us a sign!

FOLLOWER 5
He has given us... a shoe!

FOLLOWER 3
The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example.

SPIKE
What?

FOLLOWER 3
Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot for this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise.

FOLLOWER 2
Yes.

FOLLOWER 5
No no no.

FOLLOWER 2
No.

FOLLOWER 5
The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle.

FOLLOWER 4
Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd.

SPIKE
What?

FOLLOWER 5
No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me...

FOLLOWER 4
Get off!

FOLLOWER 2
No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of the body, but of the face, and head.

FOLLOWER 5
Give me your shoe.

FOLLOWER 2
Get off!

FOLLOWER 4
Follow the gourd. The holy gourd of Jerusalem.

FOLLOWER
The gourd!

FOLLOWER 6
Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us.

FOLLOWER 3
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!

FOLLOWER 6
It is a sandal!

FOLLOWER 3
No, it is a shoe!

FOLLOWER 4
Cast it away!

FOLLOWER 5
Put it on!

FOLLOWER 2
Clear off!

FOLLOWER 5
Take the shoes and follow him!

FOLLOWER 4
All ye...... follow the gourdie [?!?]
--[One man is left behind. He deserves his real name, I think. He doesn't realize that everyone is leaving him, so he starts talking.]

SPIKE
No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain.
--[He then realizes he's alone, so he walks off, embarrassed.]


--[Now comes yet another of the wonderful chase scenes through the countryside.]

FOLLOWERS
MASTER!!! MASTER!!!

GOATS



--[Brian comes upon a hole {Hmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop that!}]
BRIAN
Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river?

HERMIT
Mmmmm. Mmmmm.

BRIAN
Please please help me. I've got to get...
--[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.]

HERMIT
Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.]  OH my foot!!! Oh!

BRIAN
Ssssh.

HERMIT
Oh, Damn, damn, damn!

BRIAN
I'm sorry! Ssssh.

HERMIT
Oh, Damn, damn, and blast it!

BRIAN
I'm sorry! Ssssh.

HERMIT
Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Ssssh me!

BRIAN
What?

HERMIT
I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognizable articulate sound has passed my lips.

BRIAN
Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes?

HERMIT
Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out! 

BRIAN
Ssssh.
--[He starts getting happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to stop him.]

HERMIT
Oh, I'm alive! I'm father Gila. I'm father Gila. I'm father Gaaaagh! Oh I'm alive, I'm alive. Hello birds. Hello trees. I'm aligggh! Get off. I'm alive! I'm father Gila, I'm father and I'm. <         >!!! [He sees everyone.] 

--[They see him, and run over to the hole.]

FOLLOWERS
Master! Master!

FOLLOWER 5
The master!

FOLLOWER
He is here!

FOLLOWER
The shoe...

FOLLOWERS


FOLLOWER 3
Speak!

FOLLOWERS
Ssssh.

FOLLOWER 3
Speak to us master, speak to us.

BRIAN
Go away!

FOLLOWERS
A blessing! A blessing!

FOLLOWER 3
How shall we go away, master?

BRIAN
Oh, just go away. Leave me alone!

FOLLOWER 5
Give us a sign!

FOLLOWER 3
He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place!

BRIAN
I didn't bring you here, you just followed me.

FOLLOWER 5
Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.

FOLLOWER 3
Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They are weary, and have not eaten.

BRIAN
It's not my fault they haven't eaten.

FOLLOWER 3
There is no food in this high mountain.

BRIAN
Well what about the juniper bushes over there.

FOLLOWERS
 A miracle! A miracle!
--[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.]

FOLLOWER 5
He has made the bush fruitful by His word.

FOLLOWER 2
They have brought forth juniper berries!

BRIAN
Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes! What do you expect?

FOLLOWER 1
Show us another miracle!

FOLLOWER 3
Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?    

HERMIT
I say. Those are my juniper bushes.

FOLLOWER 3
They are a gift from God!

HERMIT
They're all I've bloody got to eat.  [He jumps up naked out of his hole, and starts chasing people away.]
Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off, the lot of you.

FOLLOWER 6
Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.

BLIND MAN
I am healed! The master has healed me!
BRIAN
I didn't touch him!

BLIND MAN
I was blind, and now I can see! Oh!
--[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into  the hole. Nobody notices.]

FOLLOWERS
A miracle! A miracle!

HERMIT
[After coming back to Brian.]
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till he came along.

FOLLOWERS
A miracle! He is the Messiah!

HERMIT
Well he hurt my foot!

FOLLOWERS
Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine.

FOLLOWER 3
Hail, messiah.
--[They all get down on their knees.]

BRIAN
I'm not the messiah.

FOLLOWER 3
I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few.

FOLLOWERS
Hail messiah!

BRIAN
I'm not the messiah, would you please listen. I'm not the messiah, do you understand? Honestly!

FOLLOWER 4
Only the true messiah denies his divinity.

BRIAN
What? Well what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the messiah.

FOLLOWERS
He IS! He IS the messiah!
--[They prostrate themselves in front of him.]

BRIAN
Now fuck off!

FOLLOWER 3
How shall we fuck off oh lord?

BRIAN
Oh just go away. Leave me alone.

HERMIT
You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my juniper bushes.

BRIAN
Oh, lay off.

FOLLOWER 3
This is the messiah. The chosen one.

HERMIT
No he's not.

BRIAN
Aaaagh!

FOLLOWER 3
An unbeliever!

FOLLOWERS
An unbeliever!

FOLLOWER 3
Persecute! Kill the heretic!
--[They pick him up {Hey babe... what's your sign?} and carry him off.]

FOLLOWERS
Kill! Kill him! [etc...]

BRIAN
Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please.
--[One person is left behind.]

JUDITH
Brian?

BRIAN
Judith??

--[The next day dawns over Jerusalem.]
COCK?!?   
Cock-a-doodle doo.
--[Brian wakes up to find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself and walks still naked over to the window, which he throws open to take a good deep breath of fresh air.]

CROWD
LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN!
--[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams the shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough, his mum starts knocking at the door.]

BRIAN
Uuuh!

MRS. COHEN
Brian!
--[He struggles to get dressed, just as MC kicks the door down.]

BRIAN
Uuuh. Oooh. Uh. Mother.   Oooh.  . Ah.

MRS. COHEN
Brian!

BRIAN
Hang on mother. Ssssh.
--[MC does her super-hero impression.]
Hello mother.

MRS. COHEN
Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there? 

BRIAN
Oh, uh. I... well, I uh...

MRS. COHEN
Come on. What have you been up to, my lad?

BRIAN
Well, I think they must have popped by for something.

MRS. COHEN
Popped by? Swarmed by more like. There's a multitude out there.

BRIAN
Um. They, they started following me yesterday.

MRS. COHEN
Well they can stop following you right now! [She walks over to the window, and addresses the crowd outside.]
Now stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

CROWD
THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH!

MRS. COHEN
The who?

CROWD
THE MESSIAH.

MRS. COHEN
There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah.
Now go away.

CROWD
BRIAN! BRIAN!

MRS. COHEN
Right, my lad. What have you been up to?

BRIAN
Nothing mum, uh...
--[She starts backing him into a corner.]

MRS. COHEN
Come on. Out with it.

BRIAN
They think I'm the messiah, mum.
--[]

MRS. COHEN
Now what have you been telling them?

BRIAN
Nothing, I only...

MRS. COHEN
You're only making it worse for yourself.

BRIAN
Look, I can explain...
--[She hits him again.]

JUDITH
No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen! 
--[MC turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her, apparently about to explain everything to her. {I'm sure she feels a  whole lot more comfortable about it all now.!}]
Your son is a born leader. those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future.

MRS. COHEN
<    >!!!!!!!! Who's THAT?

BRIAN
Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah!
--[As Brian gets hit again, Judith runs over to protect him. {I love that bit of the film *:) }]

MRS. COHEN
Oooooooh! [She goes over to the window.]

CROWD
THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH.

MRS. COHEN
Now you listen here. He's not he messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now go away.

CROWD
WHO ARE YOU?

MRS. COHEN
I'm his mother, that's who.

CROWD
BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE MOTHER OF BRIAN. BLESSED ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!!

MRS. COHEN
Aaaaahw. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now shove off!

CROWD
NO!

MRS. COHEN
Did you hear what I said?

CROWD
YES!

MRS. COHEN
Oh. I see. It's like that, is it?

CROWD
YES!

MRS. COHEN
Aaaaw, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?

CROWD
Yes.

MRS. COHEN
Promise?

CROWD
Well, All Right.

MRS. COHEN
All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.

BRIAN
But mum. Judith.

MRS. COHEN
Now leave that welsh tart alone.
--[She drags him out to address the crowd.]

BRIAN
But I don't really want to, mum.

CROWD
BRIAN. BRIAN 

BRIAN
Good Morning.

CROWD
A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING!

BRIAN
No, No. please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

CROWD
TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM.

BRIAN
Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't Need to follow me. You don't Need to follow anybody. You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals.

CROWD
YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!

BRIAN
You're all different.

CROWD
YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.

FOLLOWER 5
I'm not.

CROWD
Ssssh. Ssssh.

BRIAN
You've all got to work it our for yourselves.

CROWD
YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES.

BRIAN
Exactly.

CROWD
TELL US MORE!

BRIAN
No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
--[MC comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.]
Otherwise... ow! no!

MRS. COHEN
Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough.

CROWD
OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE.

MRS. COHEN
Oh yes it was.

CROWD
OH NO IT WASN'T!

MRS. COHEN
Now stop that, and go away.

FOLLOWER
Excuse me.

MRS. COHEN
Yes?

FOLLOWER
Are you a virgin?

MRS. COHEN
I Beg your pardon?!?

FOLLOWER
Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? 

MRS. COHEN
If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now piss off!

FOLLOWER
She is.

CROWD
Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely...
          
--[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick  people (Sickos, SikMen, SikWomn ) in the next room. A Manager is also waiting for him.]

SICKOS
!

MANAGER
Morning, Savior.
--[As he manager leads him through the room, various people approach him.]

SICK WOMAN
Lay your hands on here, quick.

SICK MAN 1
Now don't jostle the chosen one, please.   

SICK BABY
Waaah!

MANAGER
Don't push that baby in the savior's face, you'll have 'till later.

JEW
I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache.

MANAGER
You'll have to wait I'm afraid.

JEW
It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.

MANAGER
Look, the lepers are queuing.

SICK MAN 2
Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God.

MANAGER
Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount on Sunday.

MOUNTAIN MAN
Hello.

SICK MAN 3
Don't push!
--[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from all the hassle.]

MANAGER
And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?

--[Judith come out and enthusiastically joins him.]
JUDITH

Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!

BRIAN
[Proudly] You weren't so bad yourself.

JUDITH
No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary.

BRIAN
What? Oh, that. Was it?

JUDITH
We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long.

BRIAN
Well, yes.

JUDITH
It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.

BRIAN
You're... very attractive.

JUDITH
It's Our revolution. We can all do it together.

BRIAN
I think, I think...

JUDITH
We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands.

BRIAN
What? No, that's not what I meant at all...
--[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.]

CENTURIAN
You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.
--[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously  attacks the centurian.]
Stop that.


--[Brian is brought back to Pilates palace.]
--{In this scene, the Centurian's true self is revealed. I LOVE HIM!!!}

PILATE
Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.

BRIAN
[Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [] Aaaaah.

PILATE
This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any crucifixions today?

GUARD
'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, Passover sir.

PILATE
Wight. Now we have a hundred and fourty. Nice wound number, eh Bigus?
--[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he Does.]

BIGUS DICKUS
Hmm.
--[The Centurian walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather restless crowd.]

CENTURIAN
Hail Caeser.

PILATE
Hail.

CENTURIAN
The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them please.

PILATE
Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.

CENTURIAN
Ah, no, I know sir, but..

PILATE
My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Bigus Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it.

CENTURIAN
Hail Caeser.

BIGUS DICKUS
Hail Theather.

CENTURIAN
You're not... Ah, you're not eh, tinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir?

PILATE
Give it a miss?

CENTURIAN
Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.

PILATE
Weally, centurian. I'm surprised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

CENTURIAN
{He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.}
Ahh bit thundery, sir.

PILATE
Take him away.

BRIAN
I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly.

PILATE
And cwucify him well. Bigus.

CENTURIAN
Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir.

PILATE
Out of the way, centurian.

BIGUS DICKUS
Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.
--[A look of despair comes over the centurian's face. He rushes to their aid.]


--[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.]
REG
Right, now, eh. item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.

FRANCIS
Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings,  I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months.

REG
Twelve months?

FRANCIS
Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking about it.         

PFJ
Hear Hear!!!

LORETTA
I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.

PFJ
Hear Hear!!!

REG
You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not going to shift one Roman soldier.

FRANCIS
So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere.

PFJ
Right.

LORETTA
I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
--[Judith runs in, panicked.] 

JUDITH
They've arrested Brian!!

PFJ
What?

JUDITH
They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him.

REG
Right. This calls for immediate discussion.

JUDITH
What?!?

REBEL 1
Immediate.

REBEL 2
Right.

LORETTA
New motion?

REG
Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate action,

FRANCIS
... ah, once the vote has been taken.

REG
Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a resolution 'till you've voted on it. 

JUDITH
Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please!

REG
Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the light of fresh information from, ah, sibling Judith.

LORETTA
[Who's taking notes.] Ah, not so fast, Reg.

JUDITH
Reg, For God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is  to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him up. It's happening, Reg. Something's actually happening, Reg. Can't you understand? Aaawoooooo!!!!! [She rushes out in a rage.]

FRANCIS
Oh. Oh dear.

REG
Hello... and a little ego-trip for the feminists.

LORETTA
What?

REG
Ah, oh, sorry, Loretta. Aaah. Aaah, read that back, would you?


--[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up to them.]

ROMAN
Next. Crucifixion?

PRISONER 1
Yes.

ROMAN
Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?

PRISONER 2
Yes.

ROMAN
Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?

TROUBLE
Eh? No, freedom.

ROMAN
What?

TROUBLE
Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere.

ROMAN
Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then.

TROUBLE
Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.

ROMAN
Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door...

TROUBLE
Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.

ROMAN
Line on the left, yes. Thank you. Crucifixion?

PRISONER 3
Yes.

ROMAN
Good.

--[A fanfare welcomes Pilate.]

CROWD
YAY! YAY! 

PILATE
People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend.

CROWD
wahaha.

PILATE
To pwove ow fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdower fwom ow pwisons. 

CROWD
Hahahaha.

SENTRY

--[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.]

PILATE
Whom would you have me welease?

MAN
Welease Woger!

CROWD
Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! Hahahahaha.

PILATE
Vewwy well. I shall welease woger!

CROWD
Yay. Yay.

CENTURIAN
Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir.

PILATE
What?

CENTURIAN
Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.

PILATE
Ah. We have no Woger.

CROWD
Aaaaaah.

MAN
Well what about Wodewic then.

CROWD
Yeah. WELEASE WODEWIC! WELEASE WODEWIC!  

PILATE
Centurain. Why do they titter so?

CENTURIAN
Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir.

PILATE
Are they... swagging me?

CENTURIAN
Oh, no, sir!

SENTRY


PILATE
Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewic!

CROWD
Waaahahahaha.

CENTURIAN
Sir, we don't have a Roderic either.

PILATE
No Woger, no Wodewic.

CENTURIAN
Sorry, sir.

PILATE
Who is the Wog...
Who is the Wodewic to whom you wefer?

MAN 1
He's a wobber.

CROWD
Ahhhhahahah.

MAN 2
and a wapist.

CROWD
Ahahahhahah!

WOMAN
... and a pickpocket!

CROWD
Aaah no. ssssssh.

PILATE
He sounds a notowious cwiminal.

CENTURIAN
We haven't got him, sir.

PILATE
Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?

CENTURIAN
Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir.

PILATE
Samson?

CENTURIAN
Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin. Ah, several seditious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty seven seers from...

BIGUS DICKUS
Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth.

CENTURIAN
Oh, no.

PILATE
Ah. Good idea, Bigus.

BIGUS DICKUS
Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the  Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the Athyrian Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea...


--[Back in the prisons.]
--{OK. So I've been totally accurate so far... NOT for Jailer2!!!}

ROMAN
Next. Ah. Crucifixion?

PRISONER 4
Yes.

ROMAN
Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
BRIAN
Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.

ROMAN
Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through?     

JAILER 1
What?

ROMAN
Uh... how many have come through?

JAILER 1
What?

JAILER 2
Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a bit, sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's  deaf as a, deaf as a p-p-post, sir.

ROMAN
Eh... How Many Have Come Through??!!

JAILER 1
Hhhih hih hih nyih nyih nyih.

ROMAN
Oh dear.

JAILER 2
I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety six, sir.

ROMAN
It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?

JAILER 2
N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr-crrrr crrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir.

ROMAN
I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very nasty.

JAILER 2
Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

ROMAN
No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion.

BRIAN
Is there someone I can speak to?

ROMAN
Well...

JAILER 1
I know where to get it, if you want it.

ROMAN
What?

JAILER 2
Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and Mmmmmmmmmad, sir.

ROMAN
Well how did he get the job?

JAILER 2
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.

JAILER 1
Hihih.

TROUBLE
Get a move on, Bignose. There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Hehehehehehehe.

BRIAN
Could I see a lawyer or someone?

ROMAN
Um, do, do you have a lawyer?

BRIAN
No, but I'm a Roman.

TROUBLE
How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time.
--[Another centurian (Cent2) stands outside guarding the prisoners.]

CENTURIAN 2
Shut up, you.

TROUBLE
Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humor. Oooh.

ROMAN
I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left. One cross each. Now...

CROWD
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

BIGUS DICKUS
Wath it thomething I thaid?

PILATE
Silence! This man commands the cwack legions!

CROWD
___WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___

PILATE
He wanks as high as any in Wome!!!

CROWD
___AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___



--[Outside the prisons, the Roman addresses the crucifees-to-be.]

ROMAN
Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight line. Three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time.

PRISONER 1
Oooooooh.

ROMAN
Heh. All right, centurian.

CENTURIAN 2
Crucifixion Party! 
--[Some of them stumble forward.]
Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward!
--[The start moving, slowly. We can see the Prisonr who Brian was locked up with earlier hanging upside-down... but at least he has a view out a grate.]
PRISONER
You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!
--[A man selling candle-crosses pities the poor bastards. I call him a Christian (Cristin) because he is sooooo nice, and suffers *:) ]

CHRISTIAN
Let me shoulder your burden, brother. [He takes the cross.]

PRISONER X
Oh, thank you.

CHRISTIAN
H-hey!

CENTURIAN 2
[To the Christian, who's turning around to watch PrisntX run off.]
OI! What do you think you're doing?

CHRISTIAN
Ah, i-it's not my cross.

CENTURIAN 2
Shut up, and get on with it!

TROUBLE
Aaahahahahahahaha. He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Ooohoohoo.


PILATE
All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers.

BIGUS DICKUS
No Thpenther Trathies.

PILATE
... or we shall welease no-one.

JUDITH
Release Brian!!

MAN 1
Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN!

CROWD
WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!

PILATE
Vewwy well. That's it.

CENTURIAN
Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir.

PILATE
What?

CENTURIAN
You just sent him for crucifixion, sir.

PILATE
Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian. 
Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.

CENTURIAN
Yes sir. Yes sir.

PILATE
Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!!


CENTURIAN 2
Get a move on there.

TROUBLE
Or what?

CENTURIAN 2
Or you'll be in trouble!

TROUBLE
Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?

CENTURIAN 2
Shut up!

TROUBLE
That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do! [Cent2 whips him.]
Oh, thank you.


--[The Centurain has run down to the prison.]
CENTURIAN
Have they gone?

JAILER 1
We. We've got lumps of it round the back.

CENTURIAN
What?

JAILER 2
Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's m...... he's mad, sir.

CENTURIAN
Have they gone?!?!

JAILER 2
Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. N. N. N.

JAILER 1
Hehehe.

JAILER 2
N. ny. ny...

CENTURIAN
Oh, come on!

JAILER 2
NnnYes, sir.
--[The Centurian leaves.]
Anyway. Get on with the story.

JAILER 1
Well, it's his favorite item, you know, he's...


--[At the PF HQ.]
REG
Right. That's the motion to get on with it passed with uh, one abstention. I now propose we go without further ado. May I have a second, therefore? Yeah.
--[They go.]


--[Brian can see the crosses that are already up.]


--[The centurian runs through the streets.]

TRADER
Bloody Romans!

CENTURIAN
Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.


--[The prisoners are now being strung up.]

CENTURIAN 2
Up you go, Bignose!

BIGNOSE
I'll get you for this, you bastard.

CENTURIAN 2
Oh yeah?

BIGNOSE
Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.

CENTURIAN 2
No?

BIGNOSE
I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!

CENTURIAN 2
Shut up, you Jewish turd.

BIGNOSE
Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish... I'm a Samaritan.

JEW
A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.

CENTURIAN 2
It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two.

JEW
It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesn't it darling?

JEW WIFE
Oh, rather.

JEW
Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.

SARSEAN
Sarrisea separate to Saggisea.

WELSHMAN
And Swedish separate to Welsh!

VICTIMS
Yeah...  ...

CENTURIAN 2
All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all those who don't want to be crucified here.
--[Since they can't move their arms. *:) .]
--{Nice one centurian, like it, like it.}
Right. NEXT!


CHRISTIAN
Ah, look, it's not my cross.

CENTURIAN 2
What?

CHRISTIAN
Um. It's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone.

CENTURIAN 2
Just lie down. I haven't got all day.

CHRISTIAN
No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss...

CENTURIAN 2
Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and fourty of you lot to get up.

JEW
Is HE Jewish?

CENTURIAN 2
Will you be quiet!

JEW
We don't want any more Samaritans around here.

CENTURIAN 2
BELT UP!

CHRISTIAN
Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back?

CENTURIAN 2
Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next.

BRIAN
You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.

CENTURIAN 2
I like orders.    


--[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the streets.]    


TROUBLE
See. Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued then, are you?

BRIAN
It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?

TROUBLE
Oh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.

BRIAN
Aaah?

TROUBLE
Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhu.
--[The PFJ arrive.] 
Hello. Your family arrived then?

BRIAN
Reg.

REG
Hello, sibling Brian.

BRIAN
Thank God you've come, Reg.

REG
Aaah, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian that in all fairness we are not in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement. We, the People's Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end brackets) do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian; on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.

BRIAN
WHAT?!?!?!?!

REG
Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes, and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the PFJ etc. And I would just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for what you are doing for us Brian. And what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.

BRIAN
Reg! What are you going to do?

REG
Goodbye Brian, and thanks.
--[They start walking away.]
FRANCIS
Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.

LORETTA
Terrific work, Brian.
--[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.]
Rebel
Yeah, all right.

REG
Yeah. And...         

PFJ
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us.

LORETTA
... and so say all of...
--[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.]
BRIAN
You bastards! You bastards!

CENTURIAN
Where is Brian of Nazareth?
--[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.] 
BRIAN
You sanctimonious bastards.

CENTURIAN
I have on order for his release.

BRIAN
You stupid bastards!

TROUBLE
Uh. I'm Brian of Nazareth.

BRIAN
WHAT?!?

TROUBLE
Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth.

CENTURIAN
Take him down.

BRIAN
I'M Brian of Nazareth.

VICTIM 1
I'm Brian.

BIGNOSE
I'm Brian.

VICTIM 2
I'm Brian.

BRIAN
I'm Brian.

VARIOUS
I'm Brian.

JEW
I'm Brian and so's my wife.

VICTIMS
...I'm Brian... 

CENTURIAN
All right. Take him away, and release him.
--[He gets taken down, and carried off.]

TROUBLE
Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No, leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's A Joke! I'm not him, I'm just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!...

--[A groups of oriental-looking warriors come over a hill.]

WORKER 1
Uuuuh. The Judean People's Front!!!

WORKER 2
The Judean People's Front!!!

JPF HEAD
Forward all!!!

WORKER 3
No! The Judean People's Front!!! Help!
--[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.]

JPF HEAD
We are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad! Attack!!!
--[They all ceremonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their armor, and proceed to kill themselves.]

JPF HEAD
Ggggg. That showed 'em, huh?

BRIAN
You silly sods.
--[Enter Judith.]
JUDITH
Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!

BRIAN
Judith!

JUDITH
Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll. I'll never forget you.
--[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our screens are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!!!]
MRS. COHEN
So there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love, and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might have known...

BRIAN
{I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum!

MRS. COHEN
  ...I don't know what the world's coming to...

Singer
 Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's grissle, Don't grumble, give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best, And...
 Always look on the bright side of life  Always look on the light side of life     If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps,  Don't be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing. And...  Always look on the bright side of life      (Come on!) Always look on the right side of life 
 For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain wih a bow. Forget about your sin, Give the audience a grin. Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, So...
 Always look on the bright side of death  Just before you draw your terminal breath. 
 Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go, Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And...
 Always look on the bright side of life  Always look on the right side of life      (Come on, Brian... cheer up.) Always look on the bright side of life  Always look on the bright side of life      (Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life      (I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from       nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost?       Nothing!) Always look on the bright side of life      (Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say.      Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.) Always look on the bright side of life      (There you are. See. It's the end of the film.      Incidentally this record's available in the foyer.) Always look on the bright side of life      (Some of us have got to live as well you know.      Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?) Always look on the bright side of life      (They'll never make their money back, you know.)     (I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never       make their money back.) Always look on the bright side of life!

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