-------------------

MONTY PYTHON
AND
THE HOLY GRAIL

-------------------

Written and Performed by

Graham Chapman
John Cleese
Terry Gilliam
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Michael Palin

-------------------

(The Sound of Coconut halves banging together as the king comes skipping over a hill with Patsy behind banging the coconuts)

KING ARTHUR
Whoa there!

GUARD 
Halt, who goes there?

KING ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, soveriegn of all England.

GUARD
Pull the other one

KING ARTHUR
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and bredth of the land in search for knights who will join me in my court in Camelot. I must speak with your Lord and master.

GUARD
What, Ridden on a horse?

KING ARTHUR
Yes

GUARD
But you're using coconuts

KING ARTHUR
What?

GUARD
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together!

KING ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of Mercia ...

GUARD
Where'd you get the coconuts?

KING ARTHUR 
Wha, Well, We found them!

GUARD
Found them? In Mercia? The coconuts tropical!

KING ARTHUR
What do you mean?

GUARD
Well, this is a temperate zone

KING ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the housemartin or the plumber may seek warmer climates, yet these are not strangers to this land.

GUARD
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

KING ARTHUR
Not at all! It could be carried!

GUARD
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

KING ARTHUR
It Could grip it by the husk!

GUARD
It's not a question of where it grips it, it's a simple question of weight ratio. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

KING ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of Camelot is here?

GUARD
Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow must beat it's wings 43 times every second, right?

KING ARTHUR
Please!

GUARD
Am I right?

KING ARTHUR
I'm not interested.

GUARD 2
It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD
Oh yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

GUARD 2
Oh yeah, I agree with that.

KING ARTHUR
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

GUARD
But then, of coarse, African Swallows are non-migratory...

GUARD 2
Oh Yeah.

GUARD
So they couldn't bring the coconut back anyway.

(King Arthur makes a hand movement to Patsy and they leave with the sound of the coconut halves banging together)

GUARD 2
Hey wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried together!

GUARD
No, they'd have to hold it on a line.

GUARD 2
Well simple, they'd just use a stranded creeper.

GUARD
What? Hold it under the dorsal guiding feathers?

GUARD 2
Well, Why not?

-------------------

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

CRAWLING MAN
Uharh uharh

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Corpse Collector is given a body)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Nine Pence.

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

(Bell)

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Bring out your dead!

SELLER
Here's One.

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Nine Pence.

MAN
I'm not dead!

CORPSE COLLECTOR
What?

SELLER
Nothing, here's your nine pence

MAN
I'm not dead

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Here, He says his not dead.

SELLER
Yes he is

MAN
I'm not

CORPSE COLLECTOR
He isn't?

SELLER
Well, he won't be soon, he's very ill

MAN
I'm getting better!

SELLER
No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

CORPSE COLLECTOR
I can't take him like that, it's against regulations


MAN
I don't want to go in the cart

SELLER
Oh, don't be such a baby!

CORPSE COLLECTOR
I can't take him.

MAN
I feel fine!

SELLER
Well do us a favour.

CORPSE COLLECTOR
I can't!

SELLER
Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He wont be long.

CORPSE COLLECTOR
No, I've got to go over to the Robinsons, they've lost nine today.

SELLER
Well, when is your next round?

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Thursday.

MAN
I think I'm going to go for a walk.

SELLER
You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?

MAN
I feel happy! I feel happy!

(CORPSE COLLECTOR hits MAN over the head with his club)

SELLER
Ah, thanks very much!

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Not at all. See you Thursday.

SELLER
Right, alright.

(KING ARTHUR rides through the village to the sound of PATSY'S coconut halves)

SELLER
Who's that?

CORPSE COLLECTOR
Don't know. Must be a King.

SELLER
Why's that?

CORPSE COLLECTOR
He hasn't got shit all over him!

------------------

KING ARTHUR
Old Woman!

DENNIS
Man!

KING ARTHUR
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS
I'm 37!

KING ARTHUR
What?

DENNIS
I'm 37, I'm not old!

KING ARTHUR
Well, I can't just call you 'man'!

DENNIS
Well you could call me Dennis!

KING ARTHUR
I didn't know you were called Dennis.

DENNIS
Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?

KING ARTHUR
I did say sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked...

DENNIS
Well I object! You automatically treat me like an inferior!

KING ARTHUR
Well I am King!

DENNIS
Oh, King hey? Very nice! And how did you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers, by hanging onto outdated, imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever gonna be any progress...

FEMALE PEASANT
Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here! Oh, How d'you do?

KING ARTHUR
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?

FEMALE PEASANT
King of the who?

KING ARTHUR
The Britons

FEMALE PEASANT
Who are the Britons?

KING ARTHUR
Well, we all are! We are all Britons, and I am your king!

FEMALE PEASANT
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we we're an autonomous collective.

DENNIS
You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-effectuating autocracy in which the working classes...

FEMALE PEASANT
Oh, there you go, bringing class into the game!

DENNIS
That's what it's all about! If only people would...

KING ARTHUR
Please, please, good people. I am in haste! Who lives in that castle?

FEMALE PEASANT
No one lives there.

KING ARTHUR
Then who is your lord?

FEMALE PEASANT
We don't have a Lord!

KING ARTHUR
What?

DENNIS
I told you. We live in an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We take it in turns to act as a sort of officer for the weak...

KING ARTHUR
Yes

DENNIS
...but all the decisions of that officer has to be ratified at the special by-weekly meeting...

KING ARTHUR
Yes, I see.

DENNIS
...by a civil majority in the case of purely internal affairs...

KING ARTHUR
Be quiet!

DENNIS
...but by a two thirds majority in the case of more...

KING ARTHUR
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

FEMALE PEASANT
Order eh? Who does he think he is?

KING ARTHUR
I am your king!

FEMALE PEASANT
Well I didn't vote for you.

KING ARTHUR
You don't vote for kings!

FEMALE PEASANT
Well how did you become king then?

(Heavenly music is played in the background)

KING ARTHUR
The lady of the lake. Her arm, clad in the purest, shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by devine providence, that I, King Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

DENNIS
Listen, strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farsical aquatic ceremony!

KING ARTHUR
Be Quiet!

DENNIS
Oh, but you can't expect to weild supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

KING ARTHUR
Shut Up!

DENNIS
Oh, but if I went out saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

KING ARTHUR
Shut Up! Would you Shut Up!

DENNIS
Ah, now we see the violence inherited in the system!

KING ARTHUR
Shut up!

DENNIS
Come and see the violence inherited in the system! Help! Help I'm being repressed!

KING ARTHUR
Bloody peasant!

DENNIS
Oh, what a give-away! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn't you?

------------------

(Arthur and Patsy clip clop through the forest 'til they come across two knights fighting. The black knight wins.)

KING ARTHUR
You fight with the strength of many men, Good Sir Knight... I am Arthur, King of the Britons... I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot... You have proven yourself worthy... Will you join me? ... You make me sad. So be it! Come Patsy!

BLACK KNIGHT
None Shall Pass!

KING ARTHUR
What?

BLACK KNIGHT
None Shall Pass!

KING ARTHUR
I'll have no quarrel with you good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die!

KING ARTHUR
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man!

KING ARTHUR
So be it!

(The two fight fiercely until ARTHUR dhops off the BLACK KNIGHTS left arm.)

KING ARTHUR
Now stand aside, worthy adversary!

BLACK KNIGHT
'tis but a scratch.

KING ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arms off!

BLACK KNIGHT
No it isn't

KING ARTHUR
Well whats that then?

BLACK KNIGHT
I've had worse.

KING ARTHUR
You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on, you Pansy!

KING ARTHUR
Right!

(Once again the two fight fiercely until ARTHUR chops off the BLACK KNIGHTS right arm.)

KING ARTHUR
Victory is mine! We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy...

(The BLACK KNIGHT kicks KING ARTHUR)

BLACK KNIGHT
Come on then!

KING ARTHUR
What?

BLACK KNIGHT
At you!

KING ARTHUR
You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT
Oh, had enough, eh?

KING ARTHUR
Look, you stupis bastard, you've got no arms left!

BLACK KNIGHT
Yes I have!

KING ARTHUR
Look!

BLACK KNIGHT
Just a flesh wound!

(The BLACK KNIGHT starts kicking into KING ARTHUR)

KING ARTHUR
Look, stop that!

BLACK KNIGHT
Chicken! Chicken! Buck, buck, buck!

KING ARTHUR
Look, I'll have your leg!

(The BLACK KIGHT continues kicking KING ARTHUR)

KING ARTHUR
Right!

(KING ARTHUR chops off the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg)

BLACK KNIGHT
(hoping) Right, I'll do you for that!

KING ARTHUR
You'll what?!

BLACK KNIGHT
Come here!

KING ARTHUR
What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT 
I'm invincible!

KING ARTHUR
You're a loony

BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight triunmphs! Have at you! Come on then!

(ARTHUR chops of the BLACK KNIGHTS left leg)

KING ARTHUR
All right, we'll call it a draw. Come Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT
Oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and get whats coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

------------------

MONKS
Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem (Then hit themselves on the head)

MONKS
Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem (Then hit themselves on the head)

MONKS
Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem (Then hit themselves on the head)

MONKS
Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem (Then hit themselves on the head)

MONKS
Pie Iesu Domine. Dona Eis Requiem (Then hit themselves on the head)

CROWD
A Witch!!!

(The crowd moves towards BEDEVERE who releases a swallow with a coconut attached to it by string)

MAN 1
We've found a witch, may we please burn her?

CROWD
Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE
How do you know she is a witch

MAN 1
She looks like one!

CROWD
Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE
Send her forward.

WITCH
I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!

BEDEVERE
But you are dressed as one

WITCH
They dressed me like this.

CROWD
What?! Would we do that?

WITCH
And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!

BEDEVERE
Well?

MAN 1
Well we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE
The nose?

MAN 1
And the hat, but she's a witch!

BEDEVERE
Did you dress her up like this?

MAN 1
No

MAN 2
No

MAN 3
No, yes!

MAN 1
Yes

MAN 2
Yes

MAN 1
A bit

MAN 2
A bit

MAN 3
A bit.

MAN 2
She has got a wart!

BEDEVERE
Well what makes you think that she's a witch

MAN 2
Well, she turned be into a newt!

BEDEVERE
A newt

(There's a silent pause)

MAN 2
I got better.

MAN 1
Burn her anyway!

CROWD
Burn her! Burn Her!

BEDEVERE
Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch!

CROWD
Are there?! Tell us!

BEDEVERE
Tell me, what do you do with witches?

CROWD
Burn 'em!

BEDEVERE
And what do you burn apart from witches

MAN 1
More witches!

MAN 3
Shh!

MAN 2
Wood!

BEDEVERE
So why do witches burn?

(Another silent pause)

MAN 2
Because... 'cause... 'cause they're made of wood?

BEDEVERE
Good!

CROWD
Oh yeah!

BEDEVERE
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

MAN 1
Build a bridge out of her!

BEDEVERE
Ah, but can't you also build bridges out of stone?!

MAN 1
Oh Yeah.

BEDEVERE
Tell me, does wood sink in water?

MAN 1
No

MAN 2
No

MAN 1
It floats! Throw her into the pond!

CROWD 
Yeah! Yeah!

BEDEVERE
What also floats in water?

MAN 1
Bread?

MAN 2
Apples?

MAN 3
Uh, very small rocks!

MAN 1
Cidar? Gravy?

MAN 2
Cherries?

MAN 3
Churches, churches

MAN 2
Lead, Lead?

KING ARTHUR
A duck!

(The crowd look to ARTHUR)

BEDEVERE
Exactly! So logically...

MAN 1
If she's weighs the same as a duck, then she's made of wood!

BEDEVERE
And therefore?

(pause)

MAN 2
A Witch!!

CROWD
A witch!! A Witch!!

BEDEVERE
We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD
Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE
Right! Remove the supports!

(The scale shows that she is lighter than the duck)

CROWD
A Witch!!!

WITCH
That's a fair cop.

(The crowd carry her away)

BEDEVERE
Who are you who is so wise in the ways of the world?

KING ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE
(bowing) My liege!

KING ARTHUR
Good sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round table?

BEDEVERE
My liege, I would be honored!

KING ARTHUR
What is yourname?

BEDEVERE
Bedevere, my liege.

KING ARTHUR
Then I dob you SIR Bedevere, Knight of the round table.

-----------------

The 
BOOK
of the
FILM

NARRATOR
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow : Sir Lacelot the Brave, Sir Galahad the Pure, and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Lacelot, who had nearly fought the dragon of Angnor, who had bearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: The knights of the Round Table!

------------------

(Arthur and all his knights are hoping with servents clapping coconuts behind them)

BEDEVERE
...and that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.

KING ARTHUR
This new learning amazes me, sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes!

BEDEVERE
Certainly, you see...

LANCELOT
Look, my Liege!

(A trumpet fanfare)

KING ARTHUR
Camelot!

GALAHAD
Camelot!

LANCELOT
Camelot!

PATSY
It's only a model!

KING ARTHUR
Shhh!  Knights, I bib you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!

KNIGHTS
We're knights of the round table
we dance whenever we're able
we do routines to call a scene
to footwork inpeccable,
We dine well here in Camelot
we eat ham and Jam and SPAM alot.

We're knights of the rounf table
our shows are for-mid-able
the many times we're given rhymes
that are quite unsingable,
We're not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm alot.

(A Prisoner claps as the knights dance)

KNIGHTS
Oh, we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
between our quests we seek, invest
and impersonate Clark Gable
It's a bit too loud in Camelot

BASS SINGER KNIGHT
I have to push the pram alot!

KING ARTHUR
On second thoughts, lets not go to Camelot. 'tis a silly place.

LANCELOT
Right!

GOD
Arthur! Arthur! King of the Britons! 

(The knights bow)

GOD
Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand is Grovelling!

KING ARTHUR
Sorry

GOD
And don't apologise! Everytime I try to talk to someone it's 'Sorry this' and 'Forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy. Now what are you doing?!

KING ARTHUR
We're averting out eyes, oh Lord!

GOD
Well don't! It's like those miserable psalms! They're so depressing! Now, knock it off!

KING ARTHUR
Yes Lord!

GOD
Right! Arthur, king of the Britons! Your knights of the round table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

KING ARTHUR
Good idea, Lord!

GOD
Of coarse it's a good idea! Now, behold, Arthur! This is the holy grail. Look well, Arthur, for this is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur - The Quest for the Holy Grail!

LANCELOT
A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!

GALAHAD
God be praised!

(Trumpet Fanfare and animation)

The 
Quest
for the
Holy Grail

-------------------

(Patsy sounds his horn)

KING ARTHUR
Hello... Hello!
 
FRENCH KNIGHT
Hello, who is it?

KING ARTHUR
It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the round table. Who's castle is this?

FRENCH KNIGHT
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimard!

KING ARTHUR
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give u7s food and shelter for the night he can join us in our questfor the Holy Grail.

FRENCH KNIGHT
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see.

KING ARTHUR
What?

GALAHAD
He say's they've aleasy got one!

KING ARTHUR
Are you sure he's got one?!

FRENCH KNIGHT
Oh, yes, it's very nice! 
(to other French knights) I told him we've already got one.

(The French Knights giggle)

KING ARTHUR
Well, uh, can we come up and have a look?

FRENCH KNIGHT
Of coarse not, you are English Types!

KING ARTHUR
Well, what are you then?

FRENCH KNIGHT
I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!

GALAHAD
Well, what are you doing in England?

FRENCH KNIGHT
Mind your own business!

KING ARTHUR
If you do not show us the Grail, then we shall take your castle by force!

FRENCH KNIGHT
You don't frighten us English pigdogs. Go and burn your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you so-called Arthur King and all your silly English Knnnnigets!

(The FRENCH KNIGHT blows rasberries at KING ARTHUR and hits his head then spits)

GALAHAD
What a strange person.

KING ARTHUR
Now look here, my good man...

FRENCH KNIGHT
I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I Fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

GALAHAD
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

FRENCH KNIGHT
No, now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

KING ARTHUR
Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable ...

FRENCH KNIGHT
(to French Knights) Fetchez la Vache!

FRENCH KNIGHT 2
Quoi?

FRENCH KNIGHT
Fetchez la vache!

KING ARTHUR
If you do not agree to my commands then I shall...

(The FRENCH KNIGHTS catapult a COW towards ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS)

KING ARTHUR
Argh!! Jesus Christ!

(The cow lands on a servant)

KING ARTHUR
Oh, Argh.

KNIGHTS
Phew! Ahh! Oooh!

KING ARTHUR
Right! Charge!

KNIGHTS
Charge!

(The KNIGHTS run towards the Franch Castle and the French throw animals over the walls at them)

KING ARTHUR
Run Away!

KNIGHTS
Run Away!

(The KNIGHTS congregate on the grass out the front of the French Castle)

LANCELOT
Fiends! I'll tear 'em apart!

KING ARTHUR
No, No!

BEDEVERE
Sir, I have a plan, sir...

(The FRENCH KNIGHT looks out over the country side and hears sawing noises and bangs coming from the forest. Then the ENGLISH KNIGHTS push a large wooden rabbit up to the entrance of the castle.)

FRENCH KNIGHT
Mais c'est un cadeau!

FRENCH KNIGHT 2
Wha?

FRENCH KNIGHT
A present

(The French peek their heads from behind the gate then go back inside)

FRENCH KNIGHT 2
Oh! un cadeau!

FRENCH KNIGHT 3
Oui, Oui

FRENCH KNIGHT
Allons-y!

FRENCH KNIGHT 2
Wha?

FRENCH KNIGHT
Let's go!

FRENCH KNIGHT 2
Oh!

(The FRENCH KNIGHTS come out and push the Rabbit into the castle)

KING ARTHUR
What happens now?

BEDEVERE
Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galajad and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit taking the French by suprise, and not only by suprise, but totally unarmed!

KING ARTHUR
Who leaps out?

BEDEVERE
Uh, Lancelot, Galahad and I, uh, leap out ...

(The KNIGHTS sigh in anger and KING ARTHUR hits BEDEVERE over the back of his head. Then the French catapult the Rabbit at the ENGLISH)

KNIGHTS
Run Away! Run Away!

(The Rabbit falls on the servant which the cow fell on)

--------------------

CLAPPER MAN
Picture for schools, take eight. Action.

(CLAPPER MAN claps the clapper)

(subtitle: A FAMOUS HISTORIAN)

HISTORIAN
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly dishearted King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by suprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be bought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consuslted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the grail individually. Now this is what we ...

(An Unknown Knight rides past on a horse an slashes the Historians throat (accidentally of coarse))

HISTORIANS WIFE
Frank!

--------------------

THE TALE OF
SIR ROBIN

MINSTREL
Brevely bold sir Ribin rode forth from Camelot
He was not afraid to die, oh brave sir Robin
He was not at all afraid to be killed in Nasty ways
brave brave brave brave sir Robin

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken
To have his kneecap split and his body burnt away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled brave Sir Robin

His head smashed in and his heart cut out 
and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
and his nostrils ripped and his bottom burnt off
and his feet-

ROBIN
That's enough music or now, lads. Looks like dirty work afoot.

(Dennis and the fem,ale peasant pass sir robin and his minstrils

DENNIS
Archo-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom...

FEMALE PEASANT
Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud!

ALL THREE HEADS OF THE THREE HEADED KNIGHT
Halt! Who art thou?

MINSTREL
He's brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...

ROBIN
Shut up! Umm, uh, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just, um, just p-passing through

ALL HEADS
What do you want?

MINSTREL
To fight and...

ROBIN
Shut up! Oh, ah, n-nothing really, I uh, j-just to, um, just to p-pass through good sir knight.

ALL HEADS
I'm afraid not!

ROBIN
Ah, w-well, actually, I am a knight of the round table.

ALL HEADS
You're a knight of the round table?!

ROBIN
I am

LEFT HEAD
In that case I shall have to kill you.

MIDDLE HEAD
Shall I?

RIGHT HEAD
Oh, I don't think so.

MIDDLE HEAD
Well, what do I think?

LEFT HEAD
I think kill him!

RIGHT HEAD
Well lets be nice to him.

MIDDLE HEAD
Oh, shut up!

LEFT HEAD
Perhaps...

MIDDLE HEAD
And you.

LEFT HEAD
Oh, quick, get the sword out! I want to cut his head off!

RIGHT HEAD
Oh, cut your own head off!

MIDDLE HEAD
Yes, do us all a favour!

LEFT HEAD
What?

RIGHT HEAD
Yapping all the time.

MIDDLE HEAD
You're lucky! You're not next to him!

LEFT HEAD
What do you mean?

MIDDLE HEAD
You snore

LEFT HEAD
Oh I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath.

MIDDLE HEAD
That's only because you don't brush my teeth!

RIGHT HEAD
Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.

LEFT HEAD
All right, all right, all rights, we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

MIDDLE HEAD
Yes

RIGHT HEAD
Oh, but not biscuits.

LEFT HEAD
All right, all right, not buscuits, but lets kill him anyway.

ALL HEADS
Right!

LEFT HEAD
He's buggered off!

RIGHT HEAD
So he has, he's scarpered.

MINSTREL
Brave sir Robin ran away!

ROBIN
No!

MINSTREL
Bravely ran away away...

ROBIN
I didn't!

MINSTREL
When danger reared it's ugly head
he bravely turned his tail and fled

ROBIN
No!

MINSTREL
Yes, brave sir Robin turned about

ROBIN 
I didn't!

MINSTREL
And gallant maybe he chickened out
bravely taking to his feet

ROBIN
I never did!

MINSTREL
He beat a very brave retreat

ROBIN
Oh, lie!

MINSTREL
Bravest of the brave sir Robin

ROBIN
I never!

 
---------------

THE TALE OF 
SIR
GALAHAD

(Galahad is scampering through the forest when he sees the grail in a castle)

GALAHAD
Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King Arthur open the door!

ZOOT
Hello! Welcome, gentle sir knight! Welcome to the castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD
The castle Anthrax?

ZOOT
Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every need!

GALAHAD
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT
The What?

GALAHAD
The grail! It is here!

ZOOT
Oh, but you are tired and you must rest a while. Midget! Crapper!

MIDGET AND CRAPPER
Yes, oh Zoot?

ZOOT
Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET AND CRAPPER
Oh thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

ZOOT
Away, away, valettesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

GALAHAD
Well, look I, I...

ZOOT
What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD
Sir Galahad, the Chaste.

ZOOT
Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. Oh, but come!

GALAHAD
No please! In Gods name, show me the grail!

ZOOT
Oh, you have suffered much, you are delirious!

GALAHAD
No, look, I have seen it! It is here in the...

ZOOT
Sir Galahad, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse out hospitality?

GALAHAD
Well, I...

ZOOT
Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oh, it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

GALAHAD
No, no it's nothing.

ZOOT
Oh you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please lie down!

DR PIGLET
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD
They're doctors?

ZOOT
Uh, they have basic medical training, yes. Oh, come, come, you must try to rest. Dr Piglet, Dr Winston, practise your art!

DR WINSTON
Try to relax

GALAHAD
Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

DR PIGLET
We must examine you.

GALAHAD
There's nothing wrong with that!

DR PIGLET
Please, we are doctors.

GALAHAD
No, no this cannot be! I am sworn to chasity!

DR PIGLET
Back to your bed!

GALAHAD
Torment me no longer! I have seen the grail!

DR PIGLET
There's no Grail here!

GALAHAD
I have seen it! I have seen it, I have...

(Galahad runs into a room full of girls)

GIRLS
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello.

GALAHAD
Zoot?

DINGO
No, I'm Zoot's Identical twin sister, Dongo!

GALAHAD
I seek the grail! I have seen it here in this castle!

DINGO
No, Oh no! Bad Zoot!

GALAHAD
What is it?

DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon which I just remembered is grail shaped!

GALAHAD
You mean it's not the real grail

DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad, bad, Zoot! She is a naughty person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were really worried when the boys were writing it, but now were glad!

OLD MAN
Get on with it

TIM
Get on with it

CROWD
Get on with it

DINGO
Oh, yes, bad, wicked Zoot! She is a naughty person and must pay the penalty! And here in the castle Anthrax we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down and spank her!

GIRLS
Spanking, spanking!

DINGO
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like. And then spank me!

GIRLS
Spank me!

DINGO
Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS
Spanking!

DINGO
And after the spanking will be oral sex.

GIRLS
Oral sex!

GALAHAD
Well, I could stay a bit longer...

LANCELOT
Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD
Oh, hello

LANCELOT
Quick!

GALAHAD
What?

LANCELOT
Quick!

GALAHAD
Why?

LANCELOT
You are in great peril!

DINGO 
No he isn't!

LANCELOT
Silence, foul temptress!

GALAHAD
Look, she's got a point!

LANCELOT
Come on, we'll cover your escape.

GALAHAD
Look, I can tackle this single handedly.

GIRLS
Yes, let him tackle it single handedly

LANCELOT
No, Sir Galahad, come on!

GALAHAD
No, honestly, I can handle this.

GIRLS
Yes, let him handle us!

GALAHAD
I can defeat them, there's only 150 of them!

DINGO
Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance!

GIRLS
Yes, yes, We haven't a chance

DINGO
Oh, shit!

LANCELOT
We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril!

GALAHAD
I don't think it was.

LANCELOT
yes you were, you were in terrible peril!

GALAHAD
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril!

LANCELOT
No, it's too perilous!

GALAHAD
I can't find anything less perilous than that!

LANCELOT
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail! Come on!

GALAHAD
Won't you let me have just a little bit of peril?

LANCELOT
No, it's unhealthy

GALAHAD
But, you're gay!

LANCELOT
No I'm not!

--------------------

NARRATOR
Sir Lacelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere no more than a swallows flight away had discovered something. Oh, thats's an unlaiden swallow's flight, obviously, I mean, they were more than two laiden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging...

CROWD
Get on with it!

NARRATOR
Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting in which Arthur discovers a vital clue. And in which there aren't any swallows but I think you can hear a starling-auggh...

OLD MAN
Ahehehehheheheheah!

KING ARTHUR
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?

OLD MAN
Eheheheheheheheah!

KING ARTHUR
Where does he live?

OLD MAN
Ahheheheheah!

KING ARTHUR
Old man, where does he live?

OLD MAN
Hehehe... he knows a cave, a cave which no man has entered...

KING ARTHUR
And the grail, the grail is there?

OLD MAN
There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.

KING ARTHUR
But the grail? Where is the Grail?

OLD MAN
heheheheah... Sekk you first the Bridge of death!

KING ARTHUR
The Bridge of death which leads to the Grail?

OLD MAN
Heaheah ahehehe....

(The Old Man disappers)

--------------------

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Nnnnnnnnni!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni!

KING ARTHUR
Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
We are the knights who say 'Ni'!

KING ARTHUR
No! Not the knights who say 'Ni'

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
The same!

BEDEVERE
Who are these?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
We are the keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng and Nuwom!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Nuwom! Ni!

KING ARTHUR
Thoses who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
The knights of 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!

KING ARTHUR
We are but simple travellers, who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Ni!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR AND BEDEVERE
No! Aah! No!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
We shall say 'Ni' to you again if you so not appease us.

KING ARTHUR
Well what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
We want a shrubbery!

KING ARTHUR
A What?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Ni!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Ni! Ni! Ni! 

KING ARTHUR
No! No! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through the woods alive.

KING ARTHUR
Oh, knights of Ni, you are just and fair and we shall return here with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
One that looks nice!

KING ARTHUR
Of coarse.

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
And no too expensive.

KING ARTHUR
Yes!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Now... Go!

--------------------

THE
 TALE
 OF
 SIR LANCELOT

--------------------

SWAMP KING
One day lad, all this 'll be yours

HERBERT
What? the curtains?

SWAMP KING
No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see stretched out over hills and valleys of this land. That will be your kingdom, lad.

HERBERT
But mother...

SWAMP KING
Father, I'm father

HERBERT
But father, I don't want any of that!

SWAMP KING
Listen, lad. I built this castle up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp! All the kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swap. So it built a second one. And it sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. It burnt down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the forth one stayed up! And that's what your gonna get, lad. The strongest castle in these islands!

HERBERT
But I don't want any of that. I'd rather...

SWAMP KING
Rather what?

HERBERT
I'd rather just.. just.. sing!

(music starts to play)

SWAMP KING
Stop that! Stop that! You're not gonna go into song while I'm around here! Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes your going to marry a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of land in all of  Britain!

HERBERT
I don't want land...

SWAMP KING
Listen Alice...

HERBERT
Herbert!

SWAMP KING
Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get!

HERBERT
But, but, I don't like her.

SWAMP KING
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? Shes beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land!

HERBERT
I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have a certain special something.

(music starts playing)

SWAMP KING
Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, your marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea.

(SWAMP KING slaps HERBERT)

SWAMP KING
Guards! Make sure he doesn't leave unil I come and get him.

GUARD 1
Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD 2
(hicup's)

SWAMP KING
No, no, 'til I come and get him...

GUARD 1
Until you come and get him, he's we're no to enter the room.

SWAMP KING
No, no, no, you stay in here and make sure he doesn't leave!

GUARD 1
And you'll come and get him?

GUARD 2
(hicup's)

SWAMP KING
Right.

GUARD 1
We don't need to do anything apart from stop him entering the room

SWAMP KING
Leaving the room

GUARD 1
Leaving the room, yes!

SWAMP KING
Yes, alright

GUARD 1
Oh, yes, uh if, uh if uh, if uf oh!

SWAMP KING
Look1 It's quite simple! You just stay in here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. Alright?

GUARD 1
Oh, I remember. Can he leave the room with us?

SWAMP KING
No! Just keep him in here and make sure...

GUARD 1
Oh, yeah we'll keep him in here obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...

SWAMP KING
No, no, no, just keep him in here...

GUARD 1
Until you or anyone else...

SWAMP KING
just me

GUARD 1
Just you..

SWAMP KING
Get back!

GUARD 1
Get back

GUARD 2
(hicup's)

SWAMP KING
Alright

GUARD 1
Alright we'll stay here 'til you get back.

SWAMP KING
And make sure he doesn't leave!

GUARD 1
Who, the prince?

SWAMP KING
Yes, make sure he doesn't leave...

GUARD 1
Oh, I thought you meant him. It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he already is a guard.

SWAMP KING
Right is that clear?

GUARD 1
Quite clear!

SWAMP KING
Right! where are you going?

GUARD 1
We're coming with you?

SWAMP KING
No, I want you to stay here and make sure that he doesn't leave!

GUARD 1
Oh I see!

GUARD 2
(hicup's)

HERBERT
But father

SWAMP KING
Shut your noise you, and get that suit on

(music starts)

SWAMP KING
and no singing!

GUARD 2
(hicup's)

SWAMP KING
Oh, and go and get a glass of water!

(The prince writes a letter and stickes it on an arrow then shoots the arrow out of the window)
--------------------

LANCELOT
Well taken, Concorde

CONCORDE
Thankyou sir, most kind

LANCELOT
And again. Over we go. Good. Steady!  And now the big one. Come on, Concorde

(The Arrow hits Concorde in his chest)

CONCORDE
Message for you, sir.

(Concorde falls to the ground)

LANCELOT
Concorde, Concord, speak to me! 

(Lancelot reads the note on the arrow)

LANCELOT
'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me! I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle. ' 
At last, a call! A call of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail. Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain.

CONCORDE
Uh, I-I'm not quite dead, sir

LANCELOT
Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

CONCORDE
I-I think I could pull through

LANCELOT
Oh, I see

CONCORDE
Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you.

LANCELOT
No, no, sweet Concorde. Stay here, I will send help as soon as I have accomplished the daring and heroic rescue in my own particular, um- ur, oh...

CONCORDE
Idiom, sir?

LANCELOT
Idiom!

CONCORDE
No, I feel fine, actually, sir...

LANCELOT
Farewell, sweet Concorde!

CONCORDE
I'll, uh, I'll just stay here then, shall I, sir...

---------------------

(Some guests to the wedding enter the castle)

GUARD
Morning

GUEST
Morning

(The guard eats some food and spits some out then sees Lancelot coming from the distance. There is a drum roll. Then Lancelot comes from the distance again, and again, 'til he is suddenly up close to them and shocking them, he shoves his sword into one of the guards)

LANCELOT
aha!

GUARD
Hey!

(Lancelot tears through the wedding killing many guests and makes his way to the tower where Herbert is. He enters the room when -)

GUARD
Now, you can't enter the room if...

(Lancelot kills him, then bows towards Herbert.)

LANCELOT
Oh, fair one. Behold your humble servent, Sit Lasncelot of Camelot. I have come to take you

(Lancelot realises he is talking o a man)

LANCELOT
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

HERBERT
You got my note!

LANCELOT
Well, uh, I got a note

HERBERT
You've come to rescue me!

LANCELOT
Um, well, er, no you see...

HERBERT
I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there there must be someone!

(music starts)

SWAMP KING
Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

HERBERT
I'm your son

SWAMP KING
No not you

LANCELOT
Uh, I'm Sir Lancelot, sir

HERBERT
He's come to rescue me father

LANCELOT
Well lets not jump to any conclusions.

SWAMP KING
Did you kill all the guards?

LANCELOT
Um, er... oh yes, sorry.

SWAMP KING
They cost fifty pound each!

LANCELOT
Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything...

HERBERT
Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I got a rope all ready.

SWAMP KING
You killed eight wedding guests and all!

LANCELOT
Wee, you see, I thought your son was a lady.

SWAMP KING
I can understand that.

HERBERT
Hurry, Sir Lancelot, Hurry!

SWAMP KING
Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, thats all!
 
LANCELOT
Well, I really didn't mean to.

SWAMP KING
Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!

LANCELOT
Oh dear. Is he all right?

SWAMP KING
You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune.

LANCELOT
Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot when I got this note, you see...

SWAMP KING
Camelot? Are you from Camelot?
HERBERT
Hurry, Sir Lancelot!

LANCELOT
Uh, I am a knight of King Arthur, sir.

SWAMP KING
Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country.

LANCELOT
Is it?

HERBERT
I'm ready!

SWAMP KING
Would you like to come have a drink?

LANCELOT
Oh, that's awfully nice of you.

HERBERT
I'm ready!

LANCELOT
...need to understand. Um, I'm afraid that when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, sort of, carried away, you know...

SWAMP KING
Oh, don't worry about that.

(The SWAMP KING cuts the rope which HERBERT is hanging on to and HERBERT falls to the groung making a thud)

HERBERT
Oooooh!

(The SWAMP KING and LANCELOT make their way into the main area of the castle where the Wedding guests are making sounds of despair, pain and wailing)

SWAMP KING
Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room...

MAN
There he is!

SWAMP KING
Oh, bloody hell!

(LANCELOT attacks again)

SWAMP KING
Hold it, hold it, hold it!

LANCELOT
Sorry, Sorry! You see what I mean, I just get carried away. I'm awfully sorry, sorry, Sorry everyone!

ANOTHER MAN
He's killed the best man!

(The guests moan and boo)

SWAMP KING
Hold it, hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the courts of Camelot. A very brave and influential knight and my special guest here today.

LANCELOT
Hello!

MAN 3
He killed my auntie!

(The guests moan and boo again)

SWAMP KING
Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who! We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock!

GUESTS
Oooh!

SWAMP KING
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.

GUESTS 
Oooh!

SWAMP KING
But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter...

(GUESTS applaud)

SWAMP KING
Who, since the tragic death of her father...

MAN 4
He's not quite dead!

SWAMP KING
Since the near fatal wounding of her father...

MAN 4
He's getting better!

SWAMP KING
Who, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him...

BRIDES FATHER
Ooooh!

MAN 4
Oh, he died!

SWAMP KING
I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real and legally binding sense!

(GUESTS applaud)

SWAMP KING
Um, and I feel sure that the merger, uh, the union between the princess and the brave Sir Lancelot of Camelot...

LANCELOT
What?!

MAN 3
Look, the dead prince!

CONCORDE
He's not quite dead.

HERBERT
I feel much better.

SWAMP KING
You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!

HERBERT
No, I was saved at the last minute.

SWAMP KING
How?

HERBERT
Well, I'll tell you!

(Music starts)

GUESTS
(singing)
He's going to tell
He's going to tell

SWAMP KING
Not like that! Not like that ! No! Stop it! Shut up! Shut Up!

GUESTS
(singing)
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
He's going to tell
Long long way
What a wonderful escape!

CONCORDE
Quickly sir, come this way!

LANCELOT
No it's not right for my idiom, I must escape more, ugh, ohh...

CONCORDE
Dramatically, sir?

LANCELOT
Dramatically! Hiey!

(LANCELOT swings out on a hanging rope)

LANCELOT
Excuse me? Would someone give me a push, please?

--------------------

KING ARTHUR
Old crone. Is there anywhere in this town where we can find a shrubbery?

CRONE
Argh! Who sent you?

KING ARTHUR
The Knights who say Ni!

CRONE
Argh, No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

KING ARTHUR
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... We will say..  NI!

CRONE
Argh! Do your worst!

KING ARTHUR
Very well! I you will not assist us voluntarily... NI!

CRONE
No! Never! No shrubberies!

BEDEVERE
Noo! Noo!

KING ARTHUR
No, no, no, no, it's not that. It's 'Ni'!

BEDEVERE
Noo!

KING ARTHUR
No, no. 'Ni'! You're not saying it properly.

BEDEVERE
Noo! Ni!

KING ARTHUR
That's it, that's it. You've got it.

KING ARTHUR AND BEDEVERE
Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!

ROGER
Are you saying Ni to that old woman?

KING ARTHUR
Um, yes!

ROGER
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothingis sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

KING ARTHUR
Did you say shrubberies?

ROGER
Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I arrqnge, design and sell shrubberies.

BEDEVERE
Ni!

KING ARTHUR
No, no, no, no, no!

--------------------

KING ARTHUR
Oh Knights of Ni, we have brought you a shrubbery. May we go now?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one samll problem.

KING ARTHUR
What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
We are now... No longer the kinghts who say Ni

KNIGHT OF NI 1
Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Shh, shh. We are now the Knights ho say... Ecky-Ecky-Ecky-pitang-boing-nowomnmnbnmn.

KNIGHT OF NI 2
Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Therefore, we must give you another test.

KING ARTHUR
What is this this tes, On knights of.. Knights who 'til recently saind Ni

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Firstly you must find... another shrubbery!

KING ARTHUR
Not another shrubbery!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Then when you  have found the shrubbery you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little p[ath running down the middle.

KNIGHTS OF NI
A Path! A Path! Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Then when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the largest tree in the forest with... A Herring!

KING ARTHUR
We shall do no shuch thing

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Oh please?

KING ARTHUR
Cut down a tree with a herring! It can't be done!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Arrgh! Aargh!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Don't say that word!

KING ARTHUR
What word?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
I cannot tell, suffice to say is  one of the words the knights of ni cannot hear!

KING ARTHUR
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Oooh, he said the word again!

KING ARTHUR
What, 'is'?

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
No, you couldn't get very far in life if you can't say the word 'is'!

BEDEVERE
Look, my liege, It's Sir Robin!

MINSTREL
Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing the sponge

KING ARTHUR
Oh, Robin!

ROBIN
My Liege, It is good to see you!!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Aargh, oooh!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
He said the word!

KING ARTHUR
Surly you've not given up on your quest for the Holy Grail?

MINSTREL
He is sneaking away and buggering off...

ROBIN
Shut up! No, no! Far from it!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Aargh!

ROBIN
I've been looking for it!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Arrgh, oooh!

ROBIN
Here in this forest!

KING ARTHUR
No, it is far from this-

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
AAaaargh! Stop saying the Word!

KING ARTHUR
Oh, Stop it!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
Oh, He said it again!

KING ARTHUR
Patsy!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI
I said it! I said it again! Ooh! I said it again!

KNIGHTS OF NI
Aaaargh, oohh, Aaargh!

--------------------

NARRATOR
And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter whom the old man spoke of in Scence 25. Beyond the forest they met up with Lancelo and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.

ALL
Yay!

NARRATOR
In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels, and there was much rejoicing.

ALL
Yay!

NARRATOR
A year passes. Winter changed into spring, spring changed into summer, summer changed back into winter and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went staright on into Autumn. Until one day...

(There is a man who zaps from a hill right in front of the knights and he makes explosions everywhere.)

KING ARTHUR
Ehat mannerof man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?

TIM
I, am an Enchanter

KING ARTHUR
By what name are you known?

TIM
There are some who call me... Tim.

KING ARTHUR
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.

TIM
Greeting, King Arthur.

KING ARTHUR
You know my name?

TIM 
I do. You seek the holy grail.

KING ARTHUR
That is out quest. You know much that is hidden , oh Tim.

TIM
Quite

(TIM makes a fire ball out of his stick, the knights applaud)

KING ARTHUR
Yes, we are looking for the Holy Gril. Our quest is to fing the Holy Grailo.

KNIGHTS
It is, yep, yup, yes, it is.

KING ARTHUR
And so, we're, we're, we're, looking for it.

KNIGHT
Yep, yup, we are, yes.

BEDEVERE
We have been for quite some time.

ROBIN
Ages

KING ARTHUR
Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to ghelp[, would be very, well... helpful.

GALAHAD
(Stepping forward towards TIM)
Look can you tell us wh- 

(TIM Sends a fire ball in front of GALAHAD and GALAHAD jumps back)

KING ARTHUR
Fine, um, ah, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, ah, I don't suppose, you could, uh, tell us where we might find, a , um, a, um a....

TIM
A What?

KING ARTHUR
A Gr, a g, g, gr...

TIM
A Grail?!

KING ARTHUR
Yes I think so.

TIM
Yes!

KNIGHTS
Oh, thankyou, thanks, splendid, fine.

KING ARTHUR
Look, you're a busy man, uh...

TIM
Yes! I can help you find the Holy Grail! To the north there lyes a cave - the cave of Caer Bannog - where in, carved in mystic ruins upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy Grail,

KING ARTHUR
Where could we find this cave, Oh Tim?

TIM
Follow! But! Follow if ye be men of  valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature s foul so cruel that no man has yet fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men men lye strewn about it's lair. So brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or strength, come no further, for death awaits you with nasty, big pointy teeth.

(TIM makes a gesture with his fingers)

KING ARTHUR
What an eccentric performance.

--------------------

LANCELOT
They're nervous sire.

KING ARTHUR
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dismout!

(The KNIGHTS raise their legs and dismount their horses)

TIM 
Behold, the cave of Caer Bannog!

KING ARTHUR
Right! Keep me covered.

GALAHAD
What with?

KING ARTHUR
Just keep me covered.

TIM
Too late!

KING ARTHUR
What?

TIM
There he is!

KING ARTHUR
Where?

TIM 
There!

KING ARTHUR
What, behind the Rabbit?

TIM
It is the rabbit!

KING ARTHUR
You silly sod! You got us all worked up!

TIM 
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel and bad tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

ROBIN
You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!

TIM
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer.

GALAHAD
Get stuffed!

TIM
It'll do you a trick mate.

GALAHAD
Oh yeah?

ROBIN
You mokey's scot's git

TIM
I'm warning you!

ROBIN
What's we do? Nibble at your bum?

TIM
He's got huge sharp.. He can leap about... look at the bones!

KING ARTHUR
Go on,  Bors, chop his heap off!

BORIS
Right! Silly little bleeder! One Rabbit stew comin' right up!

TIM
Look!

(The rabbit jumps straight at BORIS' throat and kills him)

KING ARTHUR
Jesus Christ

TIM
I warned you!

ROBIN
I've done it again!

TIM I warned you! But did you listen to me? On, no! You knew it allm didn't you! Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always - 

KING ARTHUR
Oh, shut up!

TIM
But, do they listen to me?

KING ARTHUR
Right!

TIM
Oh, no!

KING ARTHUR
Charge!

KNIGHTS
Charge!

(The Rabbit attacks the KNIGHTS whilst TIM laughs)

KING ARTHUR
Run away!

KNIGHTS
Run away! Run away!

KING ARTHUR
Right! how many did we lose?

LANCELOT
Gawain

GALAHAD
Hector

ARTHUR
And Bors, that's five.

GALAHAD
Three, sir.

KING ARTHUR
Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabiit's dynamite.

ROBIN
Would it help to confuse it and run away more?

KING ARTHUR
Oh shut up and go change your armour.

GALAHAD
Let us taunt it so it becomes so cross that it will make a mistake.

KING ARTHUR
Like what?

GALAHAD
Well...

KING ARTHUR
Have we got bows?

BEDEVERE
No

LANCELOT
We have got the holy hand grenade.

KING ARTHUR
Yes, of coarse, the Holy Hand Grenade from Antioch. It is one of the sacred relics brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard, bring up the holy hand grenade.

MONKS
Pie Iesu Domine
Dona Eis Requiem
Pie Iesu Domine
Dona Eis Requiem
Pie Iesu Domine
Dona Eis Requiem
Pie Iesu Domine
Dona Eis Requiem

KING ARTHUR
How does it, um, how doies it work.

LANCELOT
I known not, my liege.

KING ARTHUR
Consult the book of Armaments.

BROTHER MAYNARD
Armaments chapter 2, verses 9 to 21.

BROTHER 2
And saint Attila raised the hand grenade upon high saing 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy holy hand grenade, that with it thou mays blow thy enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carps and anchovies and orangutangs and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large...

BROTHER MAYNARD
Skip a bit brother.

BOTHER 2
And the Lord Spoke, saying, "First thou shalt take out thy holy pin. then thou shalt count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the the number of the counting. And the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall thou not count. Neither count down two excepting that thou then procees to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third numer be reached, then lobbeth thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch toward thy foe, who, being naughty in thy sight, shall snuff it.

BROTHER MAYNARD
Amen

ALL
Amen

KING ARTHUR
Right!(Pulling out the Holy pin)
One, two, five.

GALAHAD
Three, sir!

KING ARTHUR
Three!

(KING ARTHUR throws the hand grenade towards the rabbit and blows it up)

--------------------

KING ARTHUR
There! Look!

LANCELOT
What does it say?

GALAHAD
What language is that?

KING ARTHUR
Brother Maynard, you're a scholar!

BROTHER MAYNARD
It's Aramaic!

KING ARTHUR
Of Coarse! Joseph of Aramathea.

LANCELOT
Of coarse!

KING ARTHUR
What does it say?

BROTHER MAYNARD
It reads, Here may be gound the last words of Joseph of Aramathea.He who is valiant and pure of spirit, may find the holy Grail in the Castle Aaargh....

KING ARTHUR
What?

BROTHER MAYNARD
The castle Aaargh....

BEDEVERE
What is that?

BROTHER MAYNARD
He must have dies whilst carving it.

KING ARTHUR
Oh, come on!

BROTER MAYNARD
Well, that's what it says.

KING ARTHUR
Look, if he was dying he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaargh'. He's just say it!

BROTHER MAYNARD
Well, that;s whats carved into the rock.

LANCELOT
Aaaaargh

KING ARTHUR
Aaaargh

BEDEVERE
Do you suppose he meant the Camahhhrgue?

GALAHAD
Where's that?

BEDEVERE
France I think.

LANCELOT
Isn't there a Saint Ahhh in Cornwall

KING ARTHUR
No that's Saint Ives.

LANCELOT
Oh yes.

BEDEVERE
Ooooohhhoooohohohh!

LANCELOT
No, no, aaargh at the back of the thoat.

BEDEVERE
No, no, on, Oooohhoohh as in suprise and alarm.

LANCELOT
You mean sort of a Aaoaaaah!

BEDEVERE
Yes, that's right. Aaoaaaah!

KING ARTHUR
Oh my God!

(The KNIGHTS turn arounf to see a huge BEAST)

BROTHER MAYNARD
It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaaaaaarrrrrgh...!

LANCELOT
Run Away!

ALL
Run Away!

NARRATOR
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his Knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly... the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! The catoon peril was no more. the quest for theHoly Grail could continue.

GALAHAD
There it is!

KING ARTHUR
The Bridge of death!

ROBIN
Oh, great!

KING ARTHUR
Look, there's the old man from scene 24!

BEDEVERE
What's he doing here?

KING ARTHUR
He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions...

GALAHAD
Three questions, sir!

KING ARTHUR
Three questions. He who answers the five questions...

GALAHAD
Three questions, sir!

KING ARTHUR
Three questions, may cross in safety.

ROBIN
What if you get one wrong?

KING ARTHUR
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

GALAHAD
Who's going to answer the questions?

KING ARTHUR
Brave Sir robin, you go.

ROBIN
Hey, I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go?

LANCELOT
Yes, let me go,  my liege. I will take him single-handed. I sghall make a feint to the north-west that...

KING ARTHUR
No, no, no, hang on, hang on. Just answer the five questions...

GALAHAD
Three questions, sir!

KING ARTHUR
Three questions as best you can.

LANCELOT
I understand my liege. 

KING ARTHUR
Good Luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you

KEEPER
Stop! Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me there questions three. There the other side he see.

LANCELOT
Ask me the questions bridge-keeper, I am not afraid.

KEEPER
What is your name

LANCELOT
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

KEEPER
What is your quest?

LANCELOT
I seek the Holy Grail.

KEEPER
What is your favourite colour?

LANCELOT
Blue.

KEEPER
Right off you go.

LANCELOT
Oh, thankyou. Thankyou very much.

ROBIN
That's easy.

KEEPER
Stop! Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me there questions three. There the other side he see.

ROBIN
Ask me the questions bridge-keeper, I am not afraid.

KEEPER
What is your name

ROBIN
Sir Robin of Camelot.

KEEPER
What is your quest?

ROBIN
To seek the Holy Grail.

KEEPER
What is the capital of Assyria?

ROBIN
Wha- I don't know that. Auuuarrrrrgh!

(ROBIN gets thrown into the gorge of eternal peril)

(GALAHAD moves forward)

KEEPER
Stop! What is your name

GALAHAD
My name is KEEPER
Stop! Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me there questions three. There the other side he see.

LANCELOT
Ask me the questions brisge-keeper, I am not afraid.

KEEPER
What is your name

GALAHAD
Sir Galahad of Camelot.

KEEPER
What is your quest?

GALAHAD
I seek the Grail.

KEEPER
What is your favourite colour

GALAHAD
Blue, no ye- Aaarrrgh...!

(GALAHAD is thrown into thegorge of eternal peril)

KEEPER
What is your name?

KING ARTHUR
It is Arthur, King of the Britons

KEEPER
What is your quest?

KING ARTHUR
To seek the Holy Grail.

KEEPER
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

KING ARTHUR
What do you mean, African or European?

KEEPER
Wha, I don't know that- Aaaaaarrrgh!

(The BRIDGE KEEPER is thrown into the  gorge of eternal peril)

BEDEVERE
How do you know so much about swallows.

KING ARTHUR
Weel, you have to know these things when your a king you see.

(ARTHUR and BEDEVERE cross the bridge, they are half way across when :-


INTERMISSION


KING ARTHUR
Lancelot! Lancelot!

BEDEVERE
Lacelot! Lancelot!

KING ARTHUR
Lancelot!

(ARTHUR and BEDEVEREn approach a gigantic lake. A boat in th shape of a dragon glides slowly towards them. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE get in the boat and cross the water to find)

KING ARTHUR
The castle Aargh! Our Quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank thee for thou hast brought safe to us the most hol...

(Things are Catapulted at them)

KING ARTHUR
Jesus Christ!

BEDEVERE
Bleeding hell!

FRENCH KNIGHT
Hello, dafty English kaniggets again and monsieyr Arthur King who wears the brains of a duck you know! So, we French fellows out wit you  second time!

KING ARTHUR
Hoe dare you profain this place with your presence! I command you in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle to which God himself had guided us!

FRENCH KNIGHT
How you English say, I one more time, I unclog my nose in your directions, sons of a window dresser! So you thinnk you could out clever us French folk with your silly knees bent running about advancing behavior? I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters!

KING ARTHUR
In the name of the Lord we demand entranceto this sacred castle!

FRENCH KNIGHT
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at yopu and your daughter an unrequested silly thing, you tiny brain-wipers of other peoples bottoms!

KING ARTHUR
If you do not open this door, we shall take your castle by force!

(The FRENCH KNIGHTS pour a bucket of liquid manure over KING ARTHUR)

KING ARTHUR
In the name of God and the glory of our...

(The FRENCH KNIGHTS pour more liquid manure over KING ARTHUR)

KING ARTHUR
Right, that settles it!

FRENCH KNIGHT
Yes, this time, a lot of this time and any more or we fire our arrows at the tops of your heads and make casanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!

KING ARTHUR
Walk away! Just ignore them!

FRENCH KNIGHT
No remain illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you aint heard nothing yet! Daffy English Kaniggets!

KING ARTHUR
We shall attack at once!

BEDEVERE
Yes, my liege!

KING ARTHUR
Stand by for attack!

(A whole army of men prepare for battle whilst drums beat)

(Silence)

KING ARTHUR
French persons! Today the blood of many valiant knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop until each one of you lyes dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
CHARGE!!!!

ARMY
Charge! Aaargh! Yeah!

(The ARMY run towards the Castle Aargh to attack the FRENCH KNIGHTS when a police car pulls up infront of them, stopping them)

HISTORIANS WIFE
Yes, they;'re the ones, I'm sure!

(ARTHUR and BEDEVERE are arrested)

POLICEMAN
All right, sonny, that's enough ,  Just pack it....

(The film ends and flaps)

(Darkness)

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