Afflictions of the Hand

A treatise on the common but rarely documented "Afflictions of the Hand". This section details the symptoms, aetiology and cures (if any) for many of the godawful afflictions of the hand that tend to crop up from time to time.


Where's me pint!

Symptoms : A claw like aspect to the hand, which twitches spasmodically as it vainly attempts to clutch a phantom pint of sweet, sweet beer.

Aetiology: Currently thought to stem from hypoboozemia, or low blood alcohol levels.

Cures : Regular consumption of pints.



Symptoms : A reek of thick, lumpy Bistro from the underside of the fingers and the palm area.

Aetiology: Widely believed to be due to simple squalor, this common ailment is in fact due the unholy marraige of sloth and excessive crotch fondling or "Betty Swollix's Syndrome".

Cures : Long time sufferers of Gravyhand should bathe regularly, and anoint the afflicted hand with pint glass condensation, which is like unto a salve for this peculiar malady.



Symptoms : Several complex millenium-related phenomena are observed in the motions and general behaviour of the hand.

Aetiology: Current schools of though place the blame squarely on temporally anomalous crustaceon mastication, or "fucked up time-crab bites".

Cures : Unfortunately, lack of funding for research into intradental bacteria of time crabs has rendered current medicine ill equipped for the Milleniumhandandshrimp epidemic, and there is currently little that can be be done to ease the suffering of its victims.

And shrimp.


Symptoms : A mysterious change in the texture, taste and odour of the hand which comes to resemble that of cheese. The hand becomes swollen, and paralysed in the clenched position.

Aetiology: Believed to be directly associated with individuals of a servile nature: hence the well-known exclamation "You cheesefisting sycophant!!!"

Cures : The encheesed sections of tissue must be amputated directly upon diagnosis, and the wounds cauterised with boiling yak sputum.


Arrgh! Hair!

Symptoms : Prodigious growth of thick, swarthy, coarse hair on the backs of the unfortunate jackanape's hands. Usually accompanied by yellowing and flaking of the nails.

Aetiology: Infection of the intracostal crevices by keratin mites.

Cures : Scourging with wire brush and household bleach.


Symptoms : Trembling of the hands, accompanied by glimpses of Reality, and often-times dolorous requests for "spare change".

Aetiology: Another manifestation of the cursed hypoboozemia scourge, known to the Free World as Delerium Tremens.

Cures : Booze!



St. Anthony's Cobfopfinger
Symptoms : Sometimes, but not always, a combination of the symptoms of maladies I, IV and VIII.

Aetiology: Possession by pomegranate demons.

Cures : Exorcism.